The summer’s nearly over, so how is your family going to manage the transition from play time to term time?
YOUR CHILDREN may still be in denial and shouting down any mention of the “S” word but it is only a matter of days now. What sort of adjustment will it be for your family? A seamless slide from summer into a new school year or will you all be traumatised by the return of early mornings and the demands of new timetables?
It makes sense to start preparing your children with gradually earlier bedtimes at least a week before. Although some parents of teenagers see no point in extended nagging and prefer to let them go “cold turkey” on the morning school reopens.
Here is a guide to getting your offspring back into the groove for a new academic year, so that everybody can get out of the house in the morning on time – with their tempers intact.
PRE-SCHOOL
This age group is the least likely to have been sleeping late during the summer holidays so waking them up for pre-school should not be a problem; getting them out is another issue.
Encouraging independence in preschool children is great in theory but it can be a curse when time is tight. It is hard to resist doing things for them to hurry them along.
“If at all possible do what you can the night before because every morning brings its own problems,” says Mary Long of The Willows Montessori Preschool in Cork. “It’s less stressful on the child and, given the time, they will do as much as they can for themselves.”
Leave dressing until after the potentially messy business of breakfast. Between the ages of three and four they should be able to manage simple clothes such as tracksuit trousers and T-shirts. They might need help with socks and shoes.
To help avoid last-minute sartorial battles, agree an outfit the night before – don’t give them totally free rein but let them choose, say, a sweatshirt to go with trousers you’ve picked out.
In that way, “they’re making their decisions, which will help them long term, but at the same time there is a little bit of guidance there,” says Long, whose school on Model Farm Road reopens on September 1st.
“I do say to parents ‘if you stand back now and just give them the chance’ but it is our nature to rush in. It is quicker if you pick up the child rather than let them walk down the steps themselves. But I think you have to try to look at it from their point of view,” she adds. “Give them the opportunity – and take a deep breath!”
Parents really don’t need to get stressed over a toddler’s clothes in the morning, says Karen Simpson, assistant manager at Busy Bees Childcare in Stillorgan, Dublin. “Different coloured socks – what does it matter?” If a child really wants to wear a princess dress or batman suit that day, let her.
“If one thing goes wrong in the morning for the child, it can escalate,” she points out. “‘I don’t want to wear that’ can be quickly followed by ‘I don’t want to go there . . .’ And you are well on the way to total meltdown.”
PRIMARY SCHOOL
Put some structure back into your child’s days in the last week before school, in terms of mealtimes and bedtimes, advises Áine Lynch, chief executive of the National Parents’ Council Primary.
“It is very difficult if all that is left until the last night. I think at this stage children are beginning to crave a bit of routine back into their lives.”
She recommends making sure there are special things happening in this last week too. “I think it is about sitting down and planning with the child how the last week is going to be.”
Talk to them about the need to return to normality but also ask them what they would like to do to keep the last week fun. “If it is laid out in an informed way for children, it will help them buy into it,” she says. “It is when decisions are just being imposed on children that difficulties arise.”
Parents should also explore how children feel about going back to school – do they have any worries? They have not had to think about school-related ordeals, such as bullying, for the past two months.
“Those sort of things start to play on the child’s mind now at the thought of going back to where it happened,” Lynch adds. With a little bit of planning, children will have had an opportunity to talk through their concerns, instead of all the anxieties arising the night before.
Rachel Douglas tries to get her three children back into some sort of routine about a week before school starts, including getting up earlier. “But to be honest I really think it takes them a week or so to get back into the swing of things no matter what.”
Her two younger sons go back to primary school next Monday. With most primary schools opening that day or the next, it is going to be a long first week.
“I love when school starts back on a Wednesday as they are broken in gently and have the weekend to recover before going in for a full week,” says Douglas, who lives in Lucan, Co Dublin. Like many parents, she fears that this year her children are going to be hard to live with towards the end of the week.
SECONDARY SCHOOL
With a few secondary schools reopening as early as tomorrow, there is not much time left to try to persuade teenagers to re-set their body clocks.
Some teenagers, the “proactive” kind who plan ahead, respond well to parents advising them to pull back their bedtimes gradually while others, the “reactive”, oppose that sort of suggestion, says psychologist Niamh Hannan. With the latter, “a parent will nearly know that they haven’t a hope” as they only deal with problems when they arise.
You might be better waiting until they are exhausted after a couple of days back into school and then encourage them to go to bed really early one night, she suggests. “But it is not useful to say ‘I told you so’.”
Help them to organise their bedrooms and a study space in preparation for the new start. Agree on what they will be responsible for as regards getting uniform ready, breakfast and transport to school.
Teenagers are going to need to modify the amount of television – and other screen activities – they have been used to during the holidays, says Rose Tully of the National Parents’ Council Post-primary. It is a good idea to negotiate limits in advance.
As well as having homework to do, it would be better if they spent spare time doing a physical activity. The return to school brings hours of sitting down in classrooms which, for many, represents a significant curtailment of the exercise they had during the summer.
As with younger children, parents should give them the chance to discuss any issues they might have about returning to school.
THIRD-LEVEL COLLEGE
Parents who have a son or daughter starting college but still living at home need to strike a balance between support and fussing over somebody who is now a young adult.
“To intervene too much is to delay the development of students taking personal responsibility, which is one of the important transitional tasks going from secondary school into university,” says Marie Murray, director of psychology/student counselling services in UCD.
Students have to learn to manage time, to balance study and leisure and to organise themselves in a way not previously required. However, it can be useful to be aware of a student’s timetable so that if he or she is sleeping in and missing lectures regularly, this can be discussed.
“It is always important to remember that a student who is overwhelmed, who is upset, finding the transition very difficult and avoiding college may be depressed and unable to cope,” she stresses.
“It is not laziness but depression that is keeping them in bed half the day. Vigilance for depression is important because to add anger to an already depressed student has no benefit for anyone.”
A campaign running in 28 colleges around the State encourages students to “Please Talk, talking is a sign of strength not of weakness”. It would be useful for parents, Murray suggests, to look at the website pleasetalk.ie, which details support services available in each college.
Students embarking on a third-level course do need more independence but it would be a huge shock to the system if a parent goes from mothering them to standing back completely, says Rebecca Murphy, welfare officer with the Union of Students in Ireland. While advocating that parents take one step back, she says they should make it clear they are there if needed.
“A lot of people in first year suffer from loneliness and feel very lost. In some ways they are going to need more independence but in other ways they are going to need the people who love them more than ever.”
Whether a parent should still be hassling a college student to get up in the morning is something to be negotiated within families, she suggests.
“I was certainly getting roared at by my dad to get up in the morning, going into first year, second year, third year . . .” says the former UCC student with a laugh.
RETURN TO ROUTINE: THE KEY STEPS
Phase in earlier bedtimes now.
Empower them in the mornings with their own “fun” alarm clock.
Reintroduce regular mealtimes and cut down on summer “treats”.
Reconsider transport options. If walking is possible, it is by far the best option for both body and mind.
Look at what you and your child could do the night before, such as laying out clothes, locating shoes, preparing the school bag, laying the breakfast table and ensuring that the ingredients for a healthy lunch-box are available – even if you don’t want to pack them until morning.
Designate a “base” where bags, sports equipment and other things needed for school are stored and easy to pick up on the way out.
Work out what time you will need to be out of your bed – and then get up 10 minutes earlier. An unrushed breakfast sets everybody up for the day.
PHASING IN EARLIER BEDTIMES: 'IT WORKS FOR ME AND IT WORKS FOR THEM'
Maria McNulty begins the countdown 10 days before school starts, phasing in earlier bedtimes for Matthew (12) and nine-year-old Charlotte at their home outside Ballacolla in Co Laois.
“I do it bit by bit every night so they are at their time a couple of nights before. I’ve always done that and it works for me and it works for them.”
Do they resist? “No, they are quite good. They know they are going to be tired at school and are normally quite looking forward to going back and seeing their friends.”
During the holidays, bedtime for Matthew, who is starting secondary school at St Fergal’s College in Rathdowney, could be anything from 10.30pm to 12 to 1, she says, “depending on what he’s doing with his PS3. That’s an occasional treat; I still think that is very late. School time I like him to shut down about 10.” For Charlotte, it will be 9pm.
Matthew is an early riser and, once school starts, the plan is that he will wake himself up about 7am. By that time his mother will be attending to the animals outside, including ponies, ducks and chickens. He will leave the house by 8am to meet the school bus at the end of the laneway at 8.10am. Meanwhile, she will turn her attention to Charlotte, “who does need waking up because she takes after her daddy”. They will leave the house at 9am to drive to St Pius X National School in Ballacolla village, about two miles away.
Maintaining the morning routine usually falls to her as her husband, Paul, who does lighting on films, works away a lot. He is currently involved in the TV series Camelotat Ardmore Studios in Bray, Co Wicklow, and commutes during the summer but stays over as the nights close in.
The return to school will make it easier for McNulty to juggle work on her home-based, online business, Maria’s Little Wrappers, which she started almost a year ago with personalised chocolate bars.
In the afternoons, she likes to be available for homework as soon as they come in from school. “I have learnt my lesson there, if you leave it, they are not so keen to do it.”
