Dear Roe,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. At the start of our relationship we used condoms, and a little over year ago I went on the Pill, but it’s been a disaster. I’ve tried two different versions and each one has had major side effects. I felt sick for months, my sex drive has plummeted, I’ve had crazily long periods, unpredictable spotting, and I’ve put on weight. My confidence has been affected by the weight and I’m generally feeling crap in my body, which means I want to have sex even less. I want to stop completely but my boyfriend says it’s really hard to enjoy sex with a condom after going so long without using them. He asked to me try another type of Pill, as a compromise. But I’m dreading going through the process of trying another one and finding out if there are side effects. Is it normal to have to try so many different types of the Pill and should I keep trying?
I’m going to answer the first part of your question first – is it normal to have to try so many different types of Pill? Yes, it is quite common to have some side-effects from the Pill and to have to try more than one version. Oestrogen-dominant pills and progestogen-dominant pills can have cause different side-effects, while some brands are recommended to avoid certain unwanted symptoms, so if you explain your side-effects to your doctor, they should be able to recommend a promising alternative.
Now to the second part of your question: should you keep trying different version of the Pill? No, you shouldn’t. At least, not right now. Because you don’t want to. Because you physically and mentally need a break. And because your boyfriend’s desire for condom-free sex does not outweigh your sense of health, comfort and wellbeing.
Of course, balance and compromise are important in every relationship, and when it comes to birth control, ideally you should choose a method that works for you both. The Pill is clearly not working for you right now. But your boyfriend says condoms don’t work for him. Stalemate, right?
Well, no. All problems are not created equal, and all preferences do not carry the same weight. Your boyfriend’s complaint about condoms is nowhere close to your issues with the Pill, and that huge discrepancy needs to be recognised and respected.
You have put in the effort; you’ve tried the Pill and have suffered serious emotional and physical side-effects; side-effects that are affecting your health, confidence, libido and therefore your relationship.
So stop.
Some women’s bodies are incompatible with hormonal birth control. You may be one of them. Or you may not be - but the Pill is definitely incompatible with your life right now, because you have been ill for a year when you do not need to be. Going on the Pill is not medically necessary for your lifestyle, and you are not a guinea pig in a lab. You’ve put your body through enough; it’s earned a rest.
Tell your boyfriend that unless you’ve suddenly both decided that you want children, he needs to start wearing condoms again – without complaint. Because him asking you to put your physical and emotional health through the wringer because he doesn’t like condoms is not a compromise. It’s selfish.
Your boyfriend’s argument is prefaced on the self-serving belief that his desire for a slightly elevated range of sensation during one sexual act is more important than how you feel in your body all day, every day. He feels so entitled to the exact sensation he wants during penile-vaginal penetration that he thinks you feeling physically and emotionally wrecked all the time is worth it. Does that sound like a “compromise”? No.
The health of a relationship is hugely dependent on both parties’ well-being, as well as respect and care for each other - and he doesn’t appear to be showing much care and respect for you or your well-being. While the Pill has been detrimental to your life and health in myriad ways – and again, remember this has been for more than a year – wearing a condom during one type of sex is not detrimental to his.
It’s worth noting that he only has to use condoms during one very specific form of sex act – because that’s all we’re talking about here. Assuming that you’re both monogamous and STI-free (a reminder to everyone to go get tested) you both can enjoy oral sex, mutual masturbation and many other activities without him having to use condoms. Condoms are not the be-all and end-all of his sex life. However, you feeling so unwell and unappreciated that your desire for him has understandably disappeared may indeed be the be-all and end-all of his sex life with you.
And if he did suddenly find himself dumped, he would probably have to go back to wearing condoms anyway – only with women who are not you. I doubt he wants that.
The Mirena Coil/IUD/Implant could all be options to explore down the line. But they are serious and long-term forms of birth control, and unless you want to try them solely for your own reasons, I’d make sure your boyfriend is worth committing to before committing to them. Time for him to show that he can grow up - by wrapping it up.
