My 16-month-old son is very clingy to me and he won’t let me out of his sight. He has been this way since he was only a few months and I assumed he would grow out of it. Of course, lockdown hasn’t helped and he seems to have become much worse.
My husband works in food delivery and has always been working long hours. When he is at home my husband helps out a lot, but my son insists I put him to bed and gets distressed if I go out. We have twin four-year-old girls so things are busy and my husband does try to get home in time to put them to bed and gets them up in the morning.
My concern is mainly for my son who seems as clingy as ever. In the last weeks we started meeting his cousins in parks and once in the back garden. He spent the whole time in my arms and would start crying if my sister tried to hold him. I am due to start back work in September and she is meant to be his childminder.
Is it normal for him to be like this? Is he missing out by this?
It is a very normal for some babies to form exclusive attachments with their mother or main caregiver. This usually becomes apparent from about the age of seven months when the baby ‘makes strange’ and only wants to be comforted by their mother. They become wary of other people and can insist on a preference for one parent over another to put them to bed or to go to when upset.
For some babies this is a relatively mild issue and they learn to tolerate other carers over time but for others it can become a big issue and they can experience acute separation anxiety when their main parent is not with them.
You have also had the challenge of the Covid lockdown and your husband working long hours meaning that it is has been mainly been just you caring for your son. This is of course likely to have increased his attachment to you and made him potentially wary of new strange adults like your sister (who he does not know yet).
At your son’s young age it is not a problem for him to have this exclusive attachment to you. Toddlers only need one main adult carer and it is only when they become three years or more that they really benefit from the social world of the preschool and being cared by other adults.
However, it does become a problem if it is a burden or stress for you, or if it leads to his father missing out, or if you need to prepare him to be looked after by someone else (when going back to work etc).
Start in the home
There is a lot you can do to help him be comfortable with and attach to other carers and the key is to build slowly. I would start in the home and look for opportunities to build his independence from you there. Rather than just accepting the routine that your husband puts the girls to bed and you look after him, can you start to change this?
You could do this gradually with your husband initially taking over part of the routine. Perhaps your husband could start with doing story time or putting on the pyjamas with you doing the final good night etc. Involve his sisters in the process also. Perhaps you could organise a playtime for all three of them or set his sisters as ‘mini-minders’ looking after their little brother while you stay in the background.
Including other people
Expect that it will take time for him to trust people and once again the key is to proceed gradually. If your sister or potential childminder is visiting, expect that he will be in your arms and don’t expect too much too soon (e.g. that she can immediately hold him). Instead you might proceed gradually as follows
1) Your sister chats to you while your son is in your arms
2) When your son is relaxed, your sister can start to chat and play with your son while he is still in your arms or standing beside you
3) The key is for your sister to wait for your son to make initiatives towards her. A good strategy is for your sister to have something your son really wants to play with (blowing bubbles are usually excellent). Your sister can blow one bubble and then wait until your son asks for another – this way he you are encouraging him to communicate to her and to gradually build a connection.
4) Then slowly move the play away so your son has to move/ walk towards your sister to play with you still being nearby. Let him come back you at times and praise his efforts – “blowing bubbles with Auntie J – great boy”). Make sure your tone is positive and upbeat, the more relaxed and confident you are, the braver he will be
5) As his confidence increases you can back off further (going out to another room to get something and then coming back etc), before you actually leave them for a short period.
Don’t try too much in one visit. if your son was able to play with your sister semi-independently in the first one that would be a breakthrough. You can build things over time in subsequent visits and in the meantime you can catch up with your sister!
– Dr John Sharry is a social worker, founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See solutiontalk.ie