Dear Roe,
My husband likes to wear women’s underwear. Before we were married he was unusually interested in my underwear, and after we married he started buying me knickers - not red or black “sexy” underwear but more like regular “girl-next-door” underwear. Then he progressed to buying both our sizes, and for the last 20 years he has been wearing women’s underwear all the time. We’re now in our 50s. I’m co-operating as it’s harmless and it pleases him but I feel that he’d really like me to be more enthusiastic about it which I’m not going to be.
Is this madness or am I doing the right thing? We’re both happy and I don’t want to rock the boat. I suspect our adult children know as there are very many obviously large size knickers in the wash but it doesn’t seem to worry him. What do you think?
It’s a very rare and pleasant surprise when I get a letter where there does not seem to be a problem. Your husband enjoys wearing women’s underwear – a habit that, as you note, is harmless and pleases him and involves minimal involvement from you – and has been doing so for decades without issue. You say you “feel” he would like you to be more enthusiastic, but he doesn’t appear to be demanding anything from you. And you also seem to have children who do the laundry, so you and your husband seem to have got the parenting thing down!
Your husband’s predilection for wearing women’s underwear is not uncommon, and is not a sign of being gay, or transgender, or anything close. This mild form of cross-dressing is not about sexual orientation or gender identity, it’s just a preference. Many men who enjoy wearing women’s underwear enjoy happy and healthy heterosexual relationships, and it sounds like you and your husband do indeed have a happy and healthy relationship. This is merely a way that your husband privately expresses himself, to feel more comfortable or to feel sexy, or to enjoy the frisson that comes from doing something that’s seen as subversive or taboo.
So no, this is nothing close to madness. It’s a testament to your relationship that your husband feels comfortable enough with both himself and with you that he is open about this habit. Many people still feel such shame or stigma that they keep their desires and kinks and habits secret. This form of silence and shame causes self-loathing and emotional distance in relationships. Instead, your husband has invited you to know him, in all his desire and vulnerability. That you’ve met him with acceptance and love is beautiful, and is an example to be followed.
You asked what I think – I think you should both keep doing what you’re doing. And if you feel like you could be more enthusiastic and tell him he looks great occasionally, do. Every relationship could do with a little more love and tenderness and generosity – consider it the cherry on top of what sounds like a pretty great relationship.
And if your children ever ask, tell them they obviously have too much time on their hands if they’re analysing the size of people’s underwear, and they could use that time to do the hoovering.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
