Dear Roe,
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. We're both pretty sex-positive, have always been open about our relationship histories, and we have a great sex life. We both enjoy dirty talk, but recently, my boyfriend has started asking me to talk to him in detail about my previous sexual encounters. He says he finds it sexy. The first couple of times, I didn't really mind. But now he's asking for it more frequently and it's making me really uncomfortable.
I don't mind the idea in theory, but it does feel odd. I feel like every time I tell these stories it's reducing my other relationships down to dirty talk, which feels disrespectful. I also don't really understand how he can't feel any jealousy hearing these stories. But I don't know how to explain that without shaming him. Is what my boyfriend is asking for normal, and should I just go along with it because he enjoys it? Or should I stop?
Let me begin by saying that asking what is “normal” regarding sex is usually a deeply unhelpful question. Given the huge variety of sexual desires, acts and behaviours, there is no one way to be “normal” when it comes to sex. There are sexual acts and desires that are common and spoken about; there are sexual acts and desires that are common and less spoken about, concealing just how common they are; and different demographics and factors such as age, sexuality, culture, social circles, access to information about sex etc are going to change what people’s personal understanding of what “common” is, anyway.
So “normal” isn’t often a helpful barometer. What matters is that the sex people are having is consensual, pleasurable and empowering for everyone involved.
Society – often aided by pop culture – perpetuates the idea that people in heterosexual couples should be deeply invested in the idea of monogamy
Unfortunately, society and culture often collide to perpetuate the myth of what is “normal” behaviour, and these ideas are often linked with ideas of gender and heteronormativity. It may be these ideas that are making you think that your boyfriend’s interest in your sexual history is odd. Society – often aided by pop culture – perpetuates the idea that people in heterosexual couples should be deeply invested in the idea of monogamy, and should naturally feel some territorial jealousy regarding their partner’s exes.
Traditional (read: damaging, dangerous, historically terrible, long overdue for an update) ideas about gender often posit that masculinity is dependent on always being dominant, and that a man who doesn’t constantly assert his dominance and sense of ownership over his female partner isn’t masculine enough.
Toxic masculinity
There’s a reason that the term “cuckold” or “cuck” – a straight man whose female partner has sex with other men, with or without his knowledge – has become a go-to insult in circles that thrive on toxic masculinity. If you’re not in control of your woman, or you can’t satisfy her enough, these ridiculous and wildly insecure people assert, you are less of a man – even though many men enjoy cuckold fantasies or open relationships. There isn’t an equivalent modern term for women whose male partners are sleeping with other women, because the men who use the term “cuck” derisively are just fine with that idea.
Your boyfriend is defying both of these embedded social norms. Not only does he want to hear about your past experiences with other men, but he enjoys it, rather than feeling jealous. I would encourage you to interrogate if you have internalised any of the above messages, and if so, to reframe your understanding of your boyfriend’s kink.
This is actually a testament to your relationship in many ways. He is open about his desires; he trusts you enough to share it with you; he respects your history with other people (anyone who begrudges you for having a life before them is a person-shaped red flag); and he has so much faith in your relationship that he doesn’t feel jealousy regarding your exes.
Sex positivity isn't about feeling obliged to say yes – it's also very much about respecting someone's right to say no
So I wouldn’t worry about whether your boyfriend’s desire is normal – the question here is whether you are comfortable. It sounds like you’re not, which is perfectly valid. Your concern that you are reducing your previous relationships into sexual stories is an understandable one; constantly turning your complex relationships into a one-dimensional sexual story for someone else could easily feel objectifying to both your exes and to you.
Presumably, sex with your exes was an intimate, personal, hopefully enjoyable experience that was innately connected with the emotions and connection you felt with them. You are perfectly entitled not to want to turn those memories into a performance for someone else’s satisfaction.
In your question, you say you’re fine with the idea of your boyfriend’s kink in theory and don’t want to shame him – but saying no to someone is not shaming them. Sexual positivity is about having a respectful, positive attitude towards sex and other people’s desires – not that you have to do any sexual act because someone else enjoys it. You can respect someone’s desire without participating. Sex positivity isn’t about feeling obliged to say yes – it’s also very much about respecting someone’s right to say no. You can say no.
If your boyfriend is genuinely sex-positive, he will respect your boundaries. He may be disappointed, as people can understandably be when a kink they enjoy is turned down, but if he really needs this in order to be satisfied, or if he pressures you into doing something you’re not comfortable with, this mightn’t be the relationship for you.
There could be room for both of you to be comfortable; you can explain to your boyfriend why you feel uncomfortable talking about your experiences with your exes, but that you’re happy to tell him some fictional stories to turn him on. Dirty talk is not documentary – no one’s going to sue you if you embellish or fabricate some sexual fantasies. Or ask him to help you come up with an alternative you’re both comfortable with.
Stop talking about your ex-boyfriends if it makes you uncomfortable. But start talking to your current boyfriend about how you can both be comfortable.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
