Dear Roe,
I have been having sex with a friend for a year now. We have had a connection for about 18 months and have known each other for over two years. Sex started as being just fun and exciting, but has got much more intimate. I have started to have feelings for this person.
We only see each other every three to four weeks. I find this difficult and want to see him more. I keep telling myself I can do this as I trust him, feel comfortable, and enjoy the time together, but it is only sex. We also sext, which is very powerful and intense. I just don't know how to end this, as I want it so much. He also has a partner he lives with – in the beginning this seemed okay but now I feel I am the one that is going to get really hurt if I break this off. Any advice please?
There is a single, two-part sentence in your letter that I find particularly interesting. “I keep telling myself I can do this as I trust him.” To which my immediate response is a single word, two-part question: Why?
Let’s start with the second half of your sentence first, that you trust him. Why? You obviously trust him with your body and to be a pleasurable sex partner during the act. That fact alone doesn’t really earn him any points, as anyone who you have sex with should be trustworthy and invested in having a mutually pleasurable experience, and anyone who you have been sleeping with for more than a year should be well aware of what makes for a pleasurable sexual experience for you. That’s baseline stuff. So what else do you trust him with, and why?
He is cheating on his partner, so he’s not trustworthy in terms of loyalty or fidelity. That he has a live-in partner also means that you cannot nor should not trust him to prioritise you in the way you want. He started off as your friend, then began having sex with you while he was in a relationship, so you cannot trust him to maintain healthy and respectful boundaries.
You only see him once a month and are not happy about this, showing that you cannot trust him to show up for you physically or emotionally. You don’t indicate that you’ve told him that you have feelings for him, so you obviously don’t trust him with your emotions. And you (rightly) suspect that you will end up hurt in all of this, so you (rightly) do not trust him to respect you, choose you, protect you.
You say you trust him, but he hasn’t done anything trustworthy. You have feelings for him, but he hasn’t done anything to deserve them. You say you’re going to end up hurt, but we both know this situation is hurting you already.
We’ve all fallen for someone we shouldn’t, and that feeling is hard and heartbreaking and stubbornly resistant to logic. And, so, despite everything, you find yourself saying that you “want it so much”. But let’s look at what you mean when you say that. Let’s look at what you want.
You think you want him – but look at what he is offering you. Sporadic, secret, sex-focused attention, nothing more. That’s what he’s offering you, and that’s what you have. And that’s not enough. You’re not happy. Because you want more. You want respect, love, honesty, commitment, affection and safety – a type of safety that allows you to say what you want out loud and have those wishes respected and protected. A safety that allows you to express how another person is hurting you, and have them do everything they can to never hurt you again. A safety that feels like being able to be yourself and doesn’t demand you to exist solely to serve another person’s needs.
This safety can only exist in a relationship built on equality, honesty and respect – and he isn’t offering you that. So when you say you want him, I must disagree. You don’t want him. You want a potential that you have projected onto him, a potential he hasn’t shown he’s willing or capable of living up to. Waiting for him to live up to that potential is hurting you.
You’re waiting around, enduring this situation that is hurting you and another woman, because you’re hoping that by staying, having sex with him, always being there when he wants you, never expressing your feelings, never asking for what you want, never making a fuss about his relationship, never being high-maintenance or needy or emotional – that one day he will realise what a cool, chill, sexy person you are, and he’ll finally fall in love with you.
That is not getting what you want. That’s shrinking yourself down to nothing and hoping he’ll deign to squeeze you into his life. That’s internalising the idea that your emotions and needs and desire for respect are too much. That’s accepting an unequal, unhealthy, untrustworthy relationship, with too many terms and conditions attached.
By waiting for this man to give you this horrible substitute for the big, honest, respectful love you actually deserve, you are in fact missing out on what you want. You’re missing out on the opportunity to be yourself, without apology. You’re missing out on all the glorious people in the world waiting to appreciate and love you. You’re missing out on discovering the depths and complexity and safety of a real, loving relationship. You’re even missing out on causal sex that is genuinely fun and respectful and isn’t actively contributing to another woman’s pain and betrayal.
Which brings me, finally, to the first part of that revealing sentence. “I keep telling myself I can do this.” My question is: Why? Why are you convincing yourself to stay in a situation that you know is hurting you, is disrespecting you, is shrinking you, is so far away from what you want?
Stop trusting him. Start trusting yourself. Trust your instinct to leave. Trust your desire for a love and relationship bigger than this. Trust that what you want is valid and possible, and someone out there is willing and capable of giving it to you. And finally, most importantly, trust that you deserve it.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
