Dear Roe,
My husband of 12 years and I are having some sexual problems of late – well, forever, actually. We've serious communication issues in the bedroom and we seem to like very different things. Neither of us had much experience with the opposite sex before we got together, and I think expectations are massively skewed on both our parts. I am up for sex the whole time, but he sees this as not putting in any effort. I do like attention in bed, but am more than willing to return it (I know the semantics are a bit selfish there).
On the other hand, he needs – yes, I mean needs – an entire evening of titillation before anything can happen. But somehow, I always get the blame. He likes watching porn, dressing up and making up sexy fantasies and whispering them to each other. I, on the other hand, am quite non-verbal (unless I'm trying to slow myself down), and my idea of adventurous is sex outdoors. I hate porn on a number of levels, but that doesn't seem to matter to him.
Anyway, it's my fault the whole time and no matter how interested I am, if he doesn't have a couple of hours notification it won't happen. Whimsical sex is a no-no. Then he threatens to break up with me, which I know is nonsense, and we end up in a stalemate for at least 48 hours. The kids are starting to cotton on to it. I know I sound terrible, but it was so upsetting to be the root of all blame for the first couple of years and now I think I've built a wall against blame. I fear I'm no longer caring.
A few things are immediately apparent. Firstly, your continued references to you being selfish and sounding “terrible” while expressing your needs and trying to find a solution indicate that your husband’s constant blame is taking a toll on your self-image. Secondly, you appear to be shouldering all the burden of finding a way to cope with this strained and stressful relationship, which is impacting your marriage as a whole and is now affecting your children. Finally, you need to stop compartmentalising this as a sexual problem, and acknowledge that you and your husband have a relationship problem.
Communication around sex can be tricky for some people, as most people’s formal and informal education around sex has been fuelled by shame, fear, embarrassment, or by reproduction-focused mechanics. It’s still all too rare for people to speak openly about sex and desire, pleasure, communication, empowerment. So there can be relationships where generally, the relationship dynamic is healthy and respectful and empathetic – but around sex, there is some shyness or reticence or shame which requires work, not only so that sex is more honest and pleasurable, but that individuals feel accepted and empowered, and that the relationship as a whole can reach its full potential for intimacy, respect and clear communication.
However, this does not seem to be the case for your relationship, where disrespect, blame, threats and judgement are not only damaging your sex life but your overall experience of your relationship. These unhealthy dynamics are seeping into your day-to-day interactions, negatively affecting the lives of both you and now your children.
Having different sexual needs and desires is a difficult thing to navigate in a relationship, and can sometimes be a deal-breaker. But it often can be done, if everyone involved communicates with empathy, open-mindedness, a lack of judgment, respect for each other’s boundaries and, most importantly, a shared desire to come to navigate this issue together.
The fact that your children are now noticing the conflict and tension should be enough for your husband to also acknowledge that this problem needs addressing
None of these qualities seem to exist in you and your husband’s communication. It’s absolutely fine that your husband likes a lot of foreplay and fantasy and to enjoy some connection and seduction before sex. However, he doesn’t seem to be proactive about accounting for the time, props and, in a house with children, uninterrupted privacy this requires. Instead, he’s demanding “a couple of hours notification” – as if only you can initiate sex, and are responsible for telepathically determining the right time to do so.
Why can’t initiating sex and setting aside some time to sexually connect be a shared endeavour? And if you don’t like porn, that can be part of his own individual pleasure, but shouldn’t be a mandatory part of your shared experience.
And while the details of your own attempts to initiate sex or engage with his desires are less clear, it appears that you may not be willing to try becoming more verbal in bed. You are also possibly rushing to initiate sexual activity when he has repeatedly stated he doesn’t enjoy quickies, and isn’t expressing any interest. The latter is particularly concerning, as you are repeatedly ignoring his preferences and boundaries, but dismissing his refusal as a lack of appreciation for “whimsical” sex. Unwanted advances are not evidence of whimsy or spontaneity, but of a violation of boundaries and consent.
The result of these interactions is not an acknowledgment that you both need to seriously work on your shared communication and connection, but threats, days of not speaking and then an eventual return to square one. This repeated pattern has unsurprisingly sapped the idea of sex and intimacy of any joy, and transformed it into a battlefield of defences, conflict and suspicion. This is not sustainable, nor is this simply “a sexual problem”. The fact that your children are now noticing the conflict and tension should be enough for your husband to also acknowledge that this problem needs addressing immediately.
If you want your relationship to survive (and to model healthy relationship dynamics for your children), book in with a couple’s counsellor and commit to spending time getting to the heart of your communication issues and the lack of joy, respect and shared hope in your relationship. Then, talk about your sexual desires, boundaries, how you see your ideal sex life working within this relationship and how you could both move towards being satisfied. Scheduling some time together to reconnect first emotionally and then sexually, where the pressure of initiation and time is removed, as you’re both equally clear on and enthusiastic about the experience.
Or start talking seriously about actually ending your relationship in a way that’s less manipulative and destructive than the current threats and ultimatums. You can move forwards together or separately, but this damaging dynamic needs to end.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered