Dear Roe,
I fell deeply in love with a man five years ago: there was an immediate sexual and emotional connection on both sides but too powerful and fearful to manage by either of us. We went our separate ways for a while but reconnected seven months before I got married, and we have settled on seeing each other casually when we both can. I have no regrets and feel no guilt because I love him deeply, though there is a part of him that is hurting.
I also love the man I am married to because he gives me everything that the other doesn’t. My husband is the love of my life but my lover is part of my soul. Together they make the perfect man. I need both of them to function and love both of them deeply but differently. My husband doesn’t know about my lover or that he is still part of my life. It was never my intention for this to happen nor am I able to give one up for the other. I played the role of the faithful wife for years and believe in marriage, but what I don’t understand is how I have changed and evolved and I am having a hard time understanding all this. I justify this in my heart and mind by believing that I am true to me above all. Can we have it all or am I being selfish?
If “all” means getting everything you want, regardless of the feelings of other people, then yes.
Open and polyamorous relationships exist and plenty of people navigate them respectfully. Before you started your affair, you could have asked your then-fiancé about having an open relationship. You could have received everything you wanted – or broke off your engagement and let yourself and your fiancé have relationships that suited you both. Or you could admit your infidelity to your husband now and ask if there’s any way he could navigate staying together and having an open relationship. But you are choosing not to, because you know it’s likely that you will lose him. So you continue to lie and cheat, knowing your husband will be devastated when he finds out and the other man is hurting.
So, yes, that is selfish behaviour. It’s selfish to lie, mislead and mistreat people who trust and love you – and incredibly selfish to treat these men as if they only exist to serve your needs. You say “together they make the perfect man”, ignoring that they are two complete, individual men with their own needs, wants, desires and feelings. You are overlooking their individual humanity and reducing them to jigsaw pieces to fit into your life.
Part of the issue here is your belief that you “need both of them to function”. You don’t. And you need to explore this belief system. Do you have low self-esteem, a lack of independence, or another personal issue you could work on in therapy – or is this simply a justification? There’s a sense of passivity throughout your letter, instead of acknowledging that you have actively made choices and decisions. This indicates that you’re avoiding guilt, rather than not experiencing any – it’s easy to not feel guilty if you cast yourself as a victim of circumstance, rather than someone who chose to cheat on your husband because you wanted to.
You need to start exploring these issues and taking responsibility for the decisions you have consciously, repeatedly made. Maybe “all” can be a more honest, loving, life – you can have that, if you’re brave enough to try.