Dear Roe,
I have been married to my wife for three years, and Covid has been a strain. We’re both overworked, finances have been tough, and we have gone from regularly seeing our family and friends to not seeing them much (this is slowly increasing, but my wife’s parents in particular aren’t local and have a lot of Covid anxiety.) A pattern we’re repeatedly falling into is that my wife will say something casually (like asking me to watch a television show or to look at something) and if I don’t respond immediately or as enthusiastically she likes, she gets incredibly upset. She’s started crying in some cases. I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing wrong, if she’s just stressed overall so I shouldn’t take it personally, or what I’m meant to do when I can’t predict her emotions. Any advice?
I’m so sorry you’ve both had such a difficult time. I’ve said it before in this column, but there’s an issue with the collective experience of Covid that we sometimes skip over addressing: how it is impacting us on an individual level. We assume that because lots of people are going through the same situation, our experience is somehow less difficult, or doesn’t need to be addressed. This isn’t true. As individuals, it’s important to be able to talk about our stress and the unique contours of our experiences, and to receive support.
It sounds like you and your wife are experiencing some emotional burnout, and your communication has broken down slightly. I want to stress, this is nobody’s fault – you’re both trying to cope and survive, and all that is needed here is a little more communication and care, for and from both of you. It could be possible that your wife – very understandably – is experiencing some anxiety and/or depression and could perhaps benefit from some external support from a doctor, therapist, or perhaps explicitly asking friends and family for more emotional support, where possible.
Whatever the reason, it seems like when your wife has been making what psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman calls “bids”, or attempts at connection and communication. When she asks you to look at something or watch something with her, she’s asking for your attention, for some quality time together, for a shared experience and some closeness. It’s a request that you can either turn towards, by responding to it; or turn away from, by ignoring or dismissing it. Her reaction could thus seem extreme because to you, you’re having a causal chat about whether or not to watch an episode of something, whereas to her, you’re causally rejecting spending time with her when she desperately needs to feel supported and connected to you.
This isn’t your fault, it’s just something to be mindful of when you open a conversation with your wife, which you absolutely should do. Ask her how she’s doing, ask if there is anything you could both do so that you both feel more connected and supported. If you’re willing to, commit to being a bit more mindful of the times she asks you for some time to connect – and it’s also fair to ask her to try to be more explicit about her emotional state and needs, so that you don’t feel like you are failing some unspoken tests. It might help to explicitly give her permission to clearly ask you for some attention or affection when she needs to, and supporting her in those moments, so she feels comfortable expressing her needs in ways you don’t miss.
It’s been a long two years. Take some time to reconnect, and recommit to supporting each other. The best of luck.