Go big
Lay off talking about study specifics and go big. "Give them a more expansive view at a time when they are feeling completely overwhelmed by the next day's pressure," says psychotherapist and author Stella O'Malley. "'I wonder what you will be doing in 10 years' time?' – you are kind of helping them to put perspective on things. 'God, I remember I was mad into doing law and then I completely switched, I never would have thought I'd have ended up here' – anything that gives them a long-term perspective at a time when they are so stuck in the short term."
Learning styles differ
Some of us are not routine learners, some of us learn in spurts. Give the spurt learner a break, says O'Malley. "There are an awful lot of teachers and parents who get fixated on routine. Creative people learn in spurts, and when they are in the mood for learning, they can learn huge amounts." Yes, it would be nice if everyone did two hours of study every day from September, but not everyone learns that way. "Don't tell the creatives and the spurt learners they are doing it all wrong. I meet these teenagers and they keep on trying to be routine learners and I might gently say: 'I'm not sure you learn like that'."
What if my kid isn't trying?
It is important for parents to assess what is really going on, says O'Malley. "It can generally be that they are not motivated, are finding it incredibly boring, or have an extreme fear of failure. None of these will be addressed by, 'Get up that stairs and study,' or 'I've got you a desk and a light'."
It is time for a bigger conversation. “Bring up the concept. ‘Could it be performance anxiety, or are you afraid in case you are not as good as you think you are and could this be a fear of failure?’ That could be surprising to the person. They could be very quick to shut it down, but afterwards they might think, ‘Actually, I think there is something in that’.”
What if they are doing too much?
Those kids really need a hand, says O'Malley. For them, your approach might need to be more intrusive. "'I'm going to insist on you taking a break' – it is only by getting them out that they might be able to see sense. They will not hear you when they are in their bedroom in their books." Over-studying can be driven by a fear of failure, too.
“Talk about self-worth and whether any examiner can tell them whether they are good at English or not. Is it giving your power away to think your results are reflective of you?”
Students can be quick to say they need a particular CAO course. “I’d be very quick to say there are many ways to achieve something. You do not have to work your ass off, you just have to be shrewd. You do not want that course, you want the opportunity that course will give.”
Choose your battles
If your exam student is spoiling for a row, do not get in the boxing ring, O'Malley says. "If they are like a bear in the kitchen, parents can go in and try to cheer them up because you are feeling stressed because they are feeling stressed. Sometimes just leave them be rather than getting in there and now it's a fight."
It is a parent’s job to choose the battles wisely, she adds. “They can come home literally gunning for a fight. You are the adult in the room, they are feeling pressured, so keep that in your head. It ’s really, really hard, but you have to give them a bit of leeway. It’s not fair that there is so much pressure on them, but there is. Look after the basics like food, fresh air and sleep.”
