Dear Roe,
I'm seeing an older man (by 15 years) who is wonderful (if a little set in his ways – he thinks I am too!). Four months in, he has never given me oral sex. In mumbled conversation in bed, I asked about this; he said he had given it in the past, but it wasn't really his thing. I told him it was the best part of sex for me, but nothing has changed since and I haven't raised the subject again. I do give him oral sex – not that I love it, but I do love pleasuring him and that is enough reason for me.
I fear I will have to broach the subject again. If we stay together, this feels like it will be a problem. Ultimately, I feel I deserve to have it all, that I should not have to compromise. Otherwise, we grow closer and have even discussed having children. Help!
You say you have only discussed this once, which is a red flag. It’s not just that your pleasure, desire, and sex life are worthy of one more conversation. It’s that these things should be an ongoing conversation in any sexual relationship.
By only discussing sex when there is an problem, we’re ensuring we remain inarticulate and awkward when it comes to conversations about sex. Sexual desire and satisfaction changes and evolves over time – even over sexual encounters – and a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship should include ongoing communication.
So what immediately concerns me is that this has been “one mumbled conversation” and now you say you “fear” you “will have to broach the subject again”.
This, along with your focus on your age difference and that he is “set in his ways” implies that you do not feel comfortable expressing your feelings or needs, and that his refusal to discuss sex could be part of a wider, unequal relationship dynamic. Think carefully about whether your needs and emotions are generally respected in this relationship – or if you feel shut down in other ways, and scared to bring up other issues with him.
If he is genuinely just uncomfortable discussing sex, this is something that can be worked on – but start now. This sexual issue and your partner’s lack of openness is already causing issues, four months into your relationship. You cannot consider settling down with this person unless this issue is resolved, as it will lead to an unfulfilling sex life, resentment, and an impending disaster.
You need to have a conversation where you express your need for open, ongoing discussions around your shared sexual life, and mutual investment in each other’s pleasure. Explain to him, very explicitly, that – sing it with me, class, you know the tune by now – up to 80 per cent of women will never orgasm from penetrative sex, and that oral sex is hugely important to your sexual pleasure.
Then, ask him about his feelings around oral sex and why he has been so reluctant to try it with you. The aim of this conversation is both to see if he is open to communicating about sex, and to understand his feelings to gauge if this issue can be worked through.
It is possible that he is nervous he’s not good at it, or he had a bad experience that was discouraging, or that he has some other concern that could be assuaged by speaking to you or a therapist. Or it’s also possible that he has some misogynistic attitudes around women’s pleasure, or disgust towards women’s bodies – in which case, leave. Or it could just be that he just isn’t willing to perform oral sex, which is, of course, his right. But you should still leave.
It’s early in your relationship and as sexual incompatibility goes, him not being willing to perform an act that is hugely important to your sexual pleasure is pretty clear-cut. That’s not going to get better. You know what you want. Start saying that, out loud.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.