Dear Roe,
My friends and I are in the middle of the biggest fight we’ve ever had and I don’t know how to start fixing it. We’re late 20s and early 30s, and my friend “Jennifer” has been with her boyfriend for three years. She began cheating on him about six months ago and told me when it started. I like Jennifer’s boyfriend but know that he and Jennifer have had their issues and thought that she would figure it out eventually. We didn’t talk about the situation a lot, but I did listen to her agonise about it a few times.
Jennifer then told our other friend "Emma" a couple of months ago. Emma has been cheated on in the past and was furious with Jennifer, and threatened to tell her boyfriend. Jennifer begged her not to and said she would end things with the other guy. But she still hadn't after a few weeks, and Emma ended up telling Jennifer's boyfriend. He broke up with her and she had to move back in with her parents.
Jennifer is furious with Emma for "ruining her life". Emma is adamant that Jennifer made her own choices and neither of them are talking – but Emma is also angry with me! She says that I enabled Jennifer and that I lied to Jennifer's boyfriend every time we hung out. She said this makes me untrustworthy and cowardly, and that I was a hypocrite because I had told her that she didn't deserve to be cheated on but then didn't tell Jennifer's boyfriend when it was happening to him.
I feel like it’s not my responsibility to get involved in other people’s relationships, and while I don’t love what Jennifer did, she has been my friend for years and I’m not abandoning her over a bad decision. We have all been close friends for a long time and I’m trying to figure out if there’s any way of salvaging this.
What a mess, I’m sorry. This is a situation where there are two opposing value systems at play: Emma values honesty above all else, whereas you and Jennifer value loyalty. Both of these value systems are driven by compassion, but Emma’s is directed towards the people she sees as being the vulnerable and injured party, ie Jennifer’s boyfriend, whereas your compassion is directed towards the people who you are closest to, ie Jennifer, knowing her intimately and understanding (if not fully supporting) her reasoning and forgiving her flaws.
You saw your responsibility as a friend to support Jennifer, even through a patch of bad behaviour, whereas Emma saw it as her responsibility to protect someone from hurt and dishonesty. It also seems likely that Emma’s value system is also at least somewhat rooted in her own experience, and wishing that she had been told about her ex’s behaviour when she was being cheated on. For her to see others watching someone being cheated on possibly brought up a lot of past pain and humiliation, which she’s projecting on to you both. Emma wants people to be honest so she feels safer in her relationships; you and Jennifer want to feel safe making mistakes and know that your friends will still be there for you.
Both of these value systems are understandable, but unfortunately in situations like these they can feel like diametric choices: honesty or loyalty? These differences are why people hold such diametrically opposing views on what is the “right” and ”wrong” thing to do in these situations; their context and value systems are simply at odds. Confronting any opposing value systems can feel challenging and destabilising in personal relationships.
For you and Emma to mend things, you would both have to acknowledge your differing value systems and accept (and even appreciate) that you are different but you were both, in your own way, trying to do the right thing. This seems possible, if you both want it to be, and even has the potential to deepen your friendship. You now know how important it is for Emma to trust the people around her and that Emma is someone you can always rely on to be honest, and Emma knows that if she makes a mistake in her life, you’ll offer her judgment-free support and forgive her flaws.
More complicated
As for whether Jennifer and Emma can work it out, that feels like a much more complicated situation as their opposing value systems have had palpable effects. It will always be easier for Jennifer to blame Emma for this situation, rather than accept that the risk of being found out and broken up with was ever-present from the start.
It is also notable that Emma did give Jennifer a chance to end her other relationship but Jennifer didn’t. Whether consciously or not, Jennifer has been making self-destructive decisions that were always going to blow up – but this way, she can blame Emma, rather than herself. Focusing on Emma’s actions is a way of avoiding facing her own decisions, the hurt she caused to her boyfriend and the pain she caused herself. For Jennifer to forgive Emma, she would have to first face herself, which may feel too difficult right now.
As for Emma, she has created a worldview where morality is black and white, and people are either all-good or all-bad. This is a safety mechanism; if she can categorise the world into safe and unsafe, she can protect herself. A lot of people experience this kind of black-and-white thinking after a betrayal or trauma, and part of Emma’s journey will be healing from her past relationship and learning to forgive the flaws of others – especially when their actions don’t immediately affect her.
Keeping yourself safe is one way of moving through the world, but it comes with hard limits. Embracing people as flawed, complex human beings is difficult but can lead to richer and – ironically – more honest connections. For Emma to forgive Jennifer, she would have to surrender some of the control that makes her feel safe.
But these are their choices to make – you also have to surrender some control too. You are all adults who have made decisions, and each of you will figure out what you want to do next. You can’t control Emma and Jennifer; let them figure out what they want and accept that they may choose to not be friends anymore. But you can decide what you personally value, what you want from your friendships with each of them, and work towards that.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe