As the number of blended families and step parents rise in Ireland, another layer of complexity is added to the already difficult area of parenting
WHEN THERESA Carter and her husband picked their honeymoon destination, their main concern was that it would suit five children ranging in age from 14 years to 14 months.
“We paid more for the honeymoon than the wedding,” she says, but it was money well spent. The children loved the Turkish resort Lykia World, and it proved a great start to married life as a “blended” family – the term used where both partners have children from previous relationships.
She had two daughters, aged nine and eight, from her first marriage, while he had a 14-year-old stepson and nine-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. At the time of their wedding six years ago, they also had the first of three children they have since had together.
As new relationships form in the wake of separation – or bereavement – the numbers of blended families and step parents are on the increase in Ireland. Partnerships and parenting are challenging in the most straightforward circumstances, but blended families have a whole other layer of complexities to deal with.
A legacy of guilt, anger and mistrust can make it extremely difficult for all concerned – the children, the partners and the ex-partners.
Most parents are well aware of the difficulties they create for children when they form new relationships, but feel they cannot be expected to remain unattached. While time is regarded as a great healer, it does not guarantee an easier life among blended families.
Carter had anticipated more problems at the start, but in fact they all got on really well for a few years and her own daughters were very accepting of their stepfather.
However, the dynamics became trickier to manage after the arrival of their “second family” and as the older children grew up and their different personalities emerged. Her daughters were good friends with their stepsister when they were playing with dolls, but have grown apart as their interests diverged.
They have five children in their Co Laois home now – Carter’s daughters who are aged 17 and 16, and the three children they have had together, who are aged seven, five and two. Her stepdaughter, who is 18, visits from Dublin about once a month.
Carter first experienced the post- separation minefield after her own parents split up when she was 24 and planning their 25th wedding anniversary celebrations.
“An aunt said, did I really want to be doing that? – I had no clue it was going on.” Both have new partners now, so Carter (41) has her own step parents, as well as being one.
It really only dawned on her how difficult it could be sometimes for her husband living with two stepdaughters when she caught herself talking abruptly to his eldest daughter.
“I was very short with her and I remember thinking, ‘That’s not nice, that’s not me’.” It made her realise how she had less tolerance for the child who was not her own and how she had to be more mindful of that.
Step parents should not expect to love their partner’s children automatically, she advises, nor the children to love you in return, particularly if you have come into their lives after the age of about seven.
Personal experience as a step parent motivated Liz Quish to set up an online resource this month specifically for step and blended families, although she brings professional expertise to the project as a former childcare worker and now parenting coach.
“I have been a stepmother to three boys for the last 12 years and I have been married to their father for the last five years,” she explains.
During the early years, she searched for ideas and advice for people in her situation and could find nothing written in an Irish context. “There is a lot there for single fathers, single mothers – there is nothing dedicated to step and blended families and the unique dynamic that they have.”
Parents tend to draw on friends for parenting advice, but what might work for one’s own children does not always apply in blended families.
“Sometimes it is hard to take advice of a friend who is not in a similar situation. There can be a lot going on,” she points out.
The new website, stepandblended.org, includes a chat forum where people will be able to share experiences anonymously and both seek and give advice.
Quish is keen to help people meet up in real life and to set up support groups around the country as the project, which she hopes to establish as a charity, evolves.
The emphasis will be on step parents supporting each other, with the help of trained facilitators, but the website will have articles written by experts on specific issues, guide people towards recommended books and also feature a section for “screened” professionals to offer their services.
“It is also about raising awareness, that it is okay to be in a step or blended family and that it does bring challenges and that there is help out there. You don’t have to muddle through on your own,” she says.
For a step parent, it is ultimately about respecting the boundaries and knowing your place, she advises. “I always knew what my role was – to support Paul around the parenting of his children. I wasn’t taking over the parenting of his children.”
Her stepsons are now aged 22, 20 and 13 and, while the two older ones generally come and go as they wish, when they were younger there was a set routine for time spent between their two homes. They were usually with their father three evenings a week, every Saturday and every second weekend.
A professional background in childcare gave Quish some insight in how to deal with the boys and not rush into trying to form a relationship, while providing practical help, such as cooking, washing clothes and driving them places. She did not have children of her own, so there was no blending of step siblings to worry about.
“I just took my time with them and there has never been an issue,” she says, but acknowledges that would be unusual. She believes the fact that Paul is a very hands-on father helped the boys see that they remained his number one priority.
“With three boys, they all row in together. If there had been a girl in the situation, it could have been different.”
Research shows boys usually get on better with a step parent than girls who tend to be more resistant. Generally, younger children are more accepting and adaptable when new families form after separation.
It is vital that parents’ new partners know when to step back for family occasions, such as Communions or Confirmations, Quish says. “It was not my place to be there.”
She would not have wanted the children or their parents to feel on edge because of her presence, neither would she have been comfortable herself.
She believes this understanding helped her relationship with Paul because he was not under pressure going to family events.
“I would make alternative arrangements for myself that day and I was not sitting at home brooding,” she says.
Jennifer (not her real name) has had a difficult relationship with her stepdaughter and she regrets that her husband is suffering as a result. His daughter, who is in her 20s and lived with them on and off as a teenager, has told him he has to choose between her and Jennifer.
She gets on much better with his two sons because he had custody of them when Jennifer (30) met him 10 years ago. She was still at college at the time and few of her friends had children, let alone stepchildren ranging in age from 12 to 16. At the time she wished they were younger but now, as she looks forward to having a baby of her own after marrying their father three years ago, she is glad they are grown up and moving on.
“I still feel guilty about the girl but, objectively, I know I did nothing wrong,” she says. As for the boys, she reckons she tried too hard, doing too much for them in the belief that it was what their mother would have done if she was there. “They took me for granted.”
'Think long and hard before moving in with a woman who already had children'
When it comes to blended families, men often end up seeing too little of their own children and too much of their stepchildren.
Think long and hard before moving in with a woman who already has children, advises Anthony (not his real name), who is a stepfather of three and has a teenage daughter who lives with his former partner and her boyfriend.
“The saying ‘blood is thicker than water’ is very true,” he remarks. If you are sure you will be able to navigate the issues, go ahead, but if you have doubts, don’t. It is always going to be a gamble but look for signs that it might not work out, and then go with your instinct.
“When the heady days of love are over, things can change. It can end up ‘my children, my children, my children’ whereas beforehand it was, ‘I will nearly do anything to keep my relationship’,” says Anthony, who stresses that this is not necessarily his experience but he has seen it with others.
In the US, where about 50 per cent of first marriages fail, it is estimated that the failure rate for second marriages involving stepchildren is at least 70 per cent.
Maintaining a reasonable relationship with your ex-partner makes life an awful lot easier for everybody, he points out.
“Sometimes you are better off to bite your tongue. The same can be true in dealing with your stepchildren. As a step-parent you are stuck right in the middle of everybody.”
If your partner feels you are picking on her child, “you end up fighting over the smallest of things”.
10 STEPS TOWARDS HAPPIER BLENDED FAMILIES
KEEP TALKING:It is essential that parents living apart continue to communicate on all issues that affect their children. Separation agreements usually include rules about new partners, says family mediator Grace Corrigan of Mediation Solutions, such as a stipulation that they must not be introduced to children before the other parent is told.
In her experience, the breaking of this rule can be the single biggest reason for the breakdown of parenting agreements – after a parent hears about a new partner through the child.
PRIORITISE ROUTINE: Children need to know what to expect, especially if they are moving between two homes. A parent changing arrangements at the last minute can be very upsetting and frustrating for them and the other parent.
ACCEPT YOUR EX'S NEW PARTNER:You don't have to like your ex's new partner but you do need to accept the fact that he or she exists, stresses parent coach Liz Quish, and refrain from giving out about that person in front of the children.
STAY OUT OF "EX" POLITICS: Don't engage with the politics of your partner's previous relationship. You can support your partner without being consumed by the legacy of what might – or might not – have gone on in the past between them.
RECOGNISE ROLE CHANGES: A lone parent may rely on a teenage child for emotional and practical support until a new partner arrives on the scene. Teenagers can resent the new partner without really understanding why, says Glynis Good, counsellor with Teen Between, a support service for teenagers of separated parents. Acknowledge the changes, she advises, and prioritise time alone with your teenager on a regular basis.
AGREE ON TERMS: Ask teenagers how they would like to be introduced to people by their step-parent, says Good, who is author of When Parents Split, a book aimed at teenagers. "They may not want to be introduced as 'my stepson' but prefer to be introduced as, for example, 'Linda's son'.
This may seem simple but the anxiety and embarrassment for teens around their identity within blended families is an important one.”
RESPECT A TEENAGER'S PRIVACY: How space is organised in a home where families are moving in together needs to be thought through and discussed. For teenagers, going from having a room of their own to sharing with unrelated siblings can cause great stress and tension.
LEAVE DISCIPLINE TO THE BIOLOGICAL PARENT: Disciplining a stepchild is tricky and generally the biological parent needs to be responsible for this, according to Quish, who advises setting household rules together as a family so everybody is clear where the boundaries lie and the consequences for overstepping them.
BE PATIENT:It takes years for children's relationships with step- parents to develop.
BEWARE OF 'NEW BABY SYNDROME':Harmonious co-parenting between separated parents can come off the rails when one of them has a baby with a new partner. Be prepared for the turbulence.
