Dear Roe,
Years ago, I ghosted a really good friend while she was pregnant with her first child. I just couldn’t cope at the time being single and a bit hopeless. She was really setting up her life, making it interesting, had a lovely house, was so intelligent and optimistic and I just couldn’t keep up. I was lonely and pretty pessimistic. I didn’t have the language or the capacity to explain and I ended up not calling her back and then dreading talking to her as I hadn’t called her and so on it rolled. I guess I was jealous of her or at best I was uncomfortable at where I was at with my life and I felt this pressure to make myself seem more interesting than I was when I was talking to her. I feel guilty and I think of her most days. I also feel I should just leave things as to contact her now would seem unfair and pathetic and perhaps selfish. It would also be mortifying and awkward. I still wonder if I should write to her and apologise or is it best to accept that I did a horrible thing and let sleeping dogs lie. My life improved hugely a few years after and I do feel that I missed out hugely in a great person and friend by cutting her off so horribly. What should I do?
I receive a lot of letters from people wondering if they should get back in touch with old exes to apologise for their previous behaviour and most of the time, it seems to be much more about ego than genuine apology. Sometimes the kindest and most emotionally mature thing to do is internally learn a lesson about your previous behaviour and move forward accordingly, without dragging exes back into your orbit purely for your self-gratification.
However, when it comes to old friends, without the baggage of romantic pasts and possible disasters, it does feel different. Not that you should go into this situation expecting anything, but that you can offer a greeting, an apology, an explanation to someone who deserves it (even if they long ago stopped expecting one) without causing too much damage.
I ended my situationship six months ago but I’m still not over him. How do I move on?
Where can my wife and I access porn that is both legal and erotic?
I think I’m in love with my ‘situationship’ but he doesn’t feel the same
‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’
It sounds like you have grown hugely over the years and have gained a lot of self-awareness about how your insecurity and unhappiness caused you to push this woman away. That personal growth and evolution is impressive and you should be proud of yourself. As with any stage of personal growth, there come opportunities to prove to yourself and the world who you are now, and this situation feels like one of those opportunities.
You get to decide that you’re the type of person who apologises when you realise that you’ve behaved badly. This doesn’t require a lengthy, tortured wax-bound letter, but if you have her contact information, you could send a brief – and I do mean brief - message saying that you were experiencing some difficulties when you were friends, that you handled the situation badly and apologise for that, and tell her that you were always grateful for her kindness and friendship and hope she’s doing really well.
That’s all that’s needed. Don’t trauma-dump on her, don’t expect her to respond and don’t expect the friendship to miraculously reappear. If she does suggest meeting up, wonderful, but messaging her isn’t about her giving anything to you, but giving her the acknowledgement and apology she deserves.
Doing this will also give you something very valuable, it’s giving yourself evidence that you have matured, that you have grown, that you can own your own mistakes, that you’re someone who doesn’t shy away from uncomfortable interactions when respect, connection, acknowledgement and honesty are at stake. These are skills that you can exercise in this situation that will benefit your self-image and all your relationships moving forward.
That shift - from envy to admiration, from comparison to connection - is one of the most healing you can make
Frankly, in an era where we are constantly discussing loneliness and disconnection, we’re overly focused on the benefits and excitement and novelty of creating connection and less tuned in to the work, effort and responsibility of maintaining connection. We should all practice apologising more, acknowledging our own insecurities and mistakes, enduring discomfort and reaching out to each other as often as possible. (Also: say “thank you” more often.)
So send your old friend a brief message. But more importantly, take this opportunity to reflect on the confluence of emotions that shaped your actions then, and the kind of person you want to be now. You’ve already started doing something most people avoid their whole lives: you’ve looked unflinchingly at times when you behaved in ways you’re not proud of. You’ve admitted to jealousy, avoidance, shame, insecurity - and you’ve done so without making excuses. That honesty is a gift, and it’s the first real step toward transformation.
It’s also a chance to reframe how you think about jealousy. Too often we see other people’s joy, progress or optimism as a mirror reflecting back our perceived failures. But what if you could begin to see people like your old friend not as a judgement on your life, but as inspiration for what’s possible?
[ ‘My friend monitors her boyfriend’s phone and eavesdrops on his therapy sessions’Opens in new window ]
That shift - from envy to admiration, from comparison to connection - is one of the most healing you can make. And it starts with accepting yourself, not just as you are now, but as you were then: someone struggling, someone doing their best with limited tools, someone lonely and scared and trying to cope.
Importantly, try to notice the way you’ve tied your current worthiness to your more “together” life. You say your life improved a few years after the ghosting, and that you feel you missed out on someone great. I wonder if you’ve only begun to feel ready to reach out now because your life feels more “acceptable”, as if you need achievements or stability to justify reconnecting.
[ I’ve met a wonderful man – but he’s starting to give me the ‘ick’Opens in new window ]
But here’s the truth: you were worthy of her friendship even in your messiest, most uncertain chapter. And you are worthy now, not because you’ve made something of yourself, but because you are someone who loves, misses and wants to repair. Remember that she never judged your life or treated you like you were unworthy – the judgement was coming from inside the house. Pay attention to how it still pops up in your mind and life.
Give yourself grace for the way you acted when you didn’t know better, but hold yourself accountable with the wisdom you have now. One of the most powerful ways we can learn to feel less alone is to examine how we may have contributed to our own loneliness. You pushed someone away - not because you didn’t care, but because you cared deeply and felt you didn’t measure up. That insight is painful but it’s also beautiful. It means you’re human. It means you loved.
So write to her. Not to win her back, not to erase the past but to make peace with it. To let her know that her friendship mattered, that you’re sorry, that you’re better for having known her. She may respond, or she may not, but either way, you will have chosen integrity. You will have chosen connection over avoidance, honesty over shame, and growth over regret. And that choice? That’s the one you’ll remember.
