Question
I’m sending this into the void. My husband recently died. We are young(ish), early 50s. I feel like my whole future has been taken from me - all our plans, hopes and dreams. I am simply bereft. I have a therapist, wonderful friends and family, and I know it’s early days.
I suppose my question is, how do I rebuild my life on the uncharted and unasked-for path?
Answer
Your loss is immense. The pain of losing a spouse, especially when you had so many shared dreams and plans, is huge and can feel overwhelming.
It’s completely natural to feel bereft and uncertain about the future. Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey, and while you have a supportive network and professional help, the path ahead can still seem daunting. You must allow yourself to grieve, it is a necessary process that takes much longer than most of us think. It is important to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that come with loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it’s okay to have good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to mourn.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
You mentioned having wonderful friends and family. Don’t hesitate to lean on them for support and try not to worry that you are being a burden. Sometimes, just having someone to listen can make a big difference. Let them know what you need, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, or help with daily tasks. Trust that if they are feeling overwhelmed too that they will find a way to tell you, and also trust that you won’t miss these signs.
In many ways, your friends and family can take comfort in the fact that you are in therapy, as this means that they know that a professional is also looking out for you. Your therapist can be a crucial ally in helping you process your grief and begin to rebuild your life. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, work through your pain, and develop coping strategies.
Rebuilding your life doesn’t have to happen all at once. Start with small, manageable steps. Set small goals for yourself each day, whether it’s going for a walk, cooking a meal or engaging in a hobby. These small achievements can help you regain a sense of control and purpose. Your energy will be easily sapped, and it can feel pointless going through the motions of humdrum life, but with each step, you will be adding to a routine that will scaffold your life while you heal. Finding ways to honour and remember your husband can be a comforting part of the healing process.
This could be through creating a memory book, planting a tree, or participating in activities that were meaningful to both of you. You can involve others in this, perhaps his siblings, close friends or workmates of his – this not only offers you a chance to bring him into a conversation but also gives those others close to him a chance to reconnect and tell their own stories of loss. While it is important to honour the past, exploring new interests and activities can help you find meaning and purpose in the present.
Consider trying something you’ve always wanted to do or picking up a new hobby. While your heart might not be in this activity initially, if it was something that sparked an interest previously, you will find that gradually glimmers of enjoyment seep in.
‘Rebuilding your life after such a profound loss is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take it at your own pace’
Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be incredibly comforting. Support groups provide a space to share your story, hear others’ experiences, and find mutual support and understanding. Type in grief support groups into your browser to find something local to you, or indeed ask your therapist for a recommendation. If you enjoy reading, you might find solace in the many books written by bereaved authors (ask your local librarian for recommendations), both prose and poetry can capture the beauty and tragedy of heartbreak and offer a salve to the rawness of loss. Remember to practise self-compassion, it’s easy to be hard on yourself during such a difficult time.
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in your situation. This can be as simple as making sure you eat three meals a day or taking time away from your situation – if you commit to taking care of yourself, the reward will be more engagement in life, and this is a good thing. It is natural to feel that your future has been taken from you, so take all the time you need. You may need to focus on practical challenges, such as financial or legal issues, so don’t hesitate to seek professional advice. Having these aspects managed can reduce stress and allow you to focus more on your emotional healing.
Rebuilding your life after such a profound loss is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take it at your own pace. There will be ups and downs, but with time, support and self-compassion, you can find a way to navigate this new path.
Remember, it’s okay to seek help and lean on others as you move forward; remember, you are not alone on this journey.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
