Q: This must be a problem for so many people, but it’s like there is a taboo about it. In the past two years, I have been invited to eight weddings, eight hen parties and now baby showers too.
This is driving me crazy, as it has literally taken over my life.
I am single so cannot share the cost of accommodation or presents, and this is even before the cost of travel is taken into account. I’m trying very hard to save for a deposit on a house, and as a single person this is exorbitant, but when you add the cost of weddings on top it is really impossible.
I have terrific friends and have been the bridesmaid three times already, but this also adds to the commitment and utter takeover of my life. Plus, my friends are always pushing possible partners on me at these events, and I am now getting insulted.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I work hard and any time off is needed to recuperate but I end up using all my annual leave on expensive events in places I would not choose to visit. It’s almost at the point that if I see an invitation coming, I have a physical reaction to it. Another of my best friends got engaged on Valentine’s Day and I live in fear of her asking me to be bridesmaid. I think she will ask and I know it is a great honour, but I want to scream in frustration. I know it’s unfair to comment, but the best man does not have to buy a new expensive outfit for each wedding, and I now have a wardrobe of clothes that really can only be worn once. It’s unfair.
[ ‘Our son is getting married soon, but we think he’s making a very big mistake’Opens in new window ]
I calculated that the average cost of attending a wedding (including travel, accommodation, hen and present) is a conservative €3,000. Think of what I could have saved towards a mortgage in only two years.
Why are more people not talking about this? I feel bad about letting friends down, but this has to stop.
A: I imagine there are many readers who feel like you do, and you are right in saying that this needs more discussion. The answer is, of course, to speak to your friends and let them know that your finances do not allow you to go to all the weddings that you are invited to. But the big difficulty is that your resentment and frustration might be all they get to hear and this would not be good.
For your friends who are getting married, it is one of the most important days in their lives and they want to share this with the people who mean the most to them. This is, as you say, an honour to those who are invited or who are asked to be in the bridal party, but it does not mean that they cannot understand if someone has to say no. This “no” can be related to lots of things, but it can also be moderated with alternatives, such as you taking the couple out for a special meal and send a meaningful card to be read out at the wedding, or you could get them a voucher for a restaurant in their place of honeymoon, and so on.
[ ‘Quiet’ weddings: My ceremony took 20 minutes and afterwards I went back to workOpens in new window ]
The best way to deliver this message is early and honestly. If you are truthful, your friend will understand and not pester you with all kinds of solutions to the problem, but if you tell a half-truth, they will really try to come up with a way for you to attend the wedding, as this is what they think you want. The resentment comes from you feeling that you have no choice or from a place where you fear that if you say no your friend group will think badly about you. Many of your group will have had at least some of the same feelings you are having and therefore may not be as judgmental as you might think. They will be open to compromise, such as attendance at part of the celebrations (the hen only or the after-party). The worst possible position is to attend everything with a false smile and internal bitterness.
The way to address this is to accept fully that these are the circumstances of your life right now and choices need to be made and followed through on. If you practise acceptance, you will find that the resentment falls away and you get a chance to think creatively about how to respond to invitations. Tell your friends also that you do not want to be matched up at the moment, but that you might be open to this in the future – we know that friendship groups are often astute in knowing who might make us a good partner.
The important thing is to enjoy the atmosphere of love and celebration that is in your circle right now and include yourself in it by speaking up for your needs and engaging in a way that does not break your bank.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
