Dear Roe,
I’m 29, and my partner ended our five-year relationship – but somehow he hasn’t fully left my life. We started as close friends, fell in love and built a life together. From the beginning, he was the one pushing for more commitment. I was hesitant (I’d just come out of a tough break-up) but he was patient, supportive and persistent. Eventually, I trusted him completely. We moved in together and talked about our future – marriage, kids, the whole thing. I thought we were on the same page. But over the past year, he started pulling away. He got a new exciting job, made new friends and suddenly needed “space”. Two months ago, he broke it off, saying he loves me but isn’t “in love” with me any more. He wants to “find himself” – and apparently, that doesn’t include me.
He’s now renting a room with a single friend and living out this new identity. The worst part? He keeps reaching out. He texts me almost every day, asking how I’m doing, sharing little updates. It’s like he wants to keep me in his life – just not as his partner. Every time he calls, it’s like ripping the stitches open again. I end up crying after almost every conversation. He’s out there rediscovering himself, while I’m left feeling discarded.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to cut him off. A part of me still hopes he’ll realise he made a mistake and come back. Another part of me feels guilty, like I owe him kindness and support, even though he left me. I feel stuck between the pain of hearing from him and the fear of losing him completely. I reshaped my life around us. And now he’s out there rediscovering himself, while I’m left feeling discarded, but still getting calls and texts constantly. Should I let him go, and how do I stop hoping he’ll realise he made a mistake and come back?
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It sounds like you’re caught in an emotional tug-of-war – not just between you and your ex, but between the part of you that knows you deserve more and the part that still loves him and hopes he’ll come back. That push-pull is completely normal after a break-up, especially when the person who ended things keeps acting like they haven’t really left.
What you’re describing isn’t just a break-up. It’s an emotional limbo
I suspect that somewhere in your break-up conversation, you both talked about “staying friends” – and why wouldn’t you? You didn’t want to lose him entirely, and he probably thought staying in touch was a way to soften the blow. But here’s the thing: You didn’t sign up to be his emotional safety net.
Right now, he gets to move on, explore his new life, and keep the comfort of your care and attention – without offering you the love and commitment you actually want. He gets the best of both worlds. Meanwhile, you’re stuck in limbo, unable to grieve properly because he won’t stop calling – and because part of you is still hoping his next text might be the one where he says he made a mistake. What you’re describing isn’t just a break-up. It’s an emotional limbo. He’s ended the relationship but left the door ajar, and you’re standing in the doorway, unable to fully step forward or back. No wonder it feels unbearable.
[ I asked my husband for a divorce – everyone thinks I made a mistake. Did I?Opens in new window ]
So let’s start with something important: You do not owe him this right now. Not your attention, not your support, certainly not your ongoing emotional availability, and definitely not your performance of emotion to make him feel comfortable. He made the choice to leave, and in doing so, he forfeited the intimacy that came with being your partner. He doesn’t get to keep the best parts of you while you’re left with the pain. That’s not how break-ups work. You can be kind and respectful to each other, of course, but your kindness doesn’t have to mean constantly being available to him. It can look like saying, “I respect your decision to end our relationship, I wish you well” – and then silence. You can be kind with boundaries and distance. Showing kindness to him does not have to mean causing yourself emotional pain.
He might think he’s being kind by staying in touch. But his constant calls and texts are really a lifeline for him, not for you. He gets the comfort of knowing you’re still there, still caring, still tethered to him, he may get to assuage some of the guilt he feels for ending the relationship – and you get none of the comfort you actually need. His contact isn’t softening the blow of losing him; it’s keeping you stuck in heartbreak.
You loved him. You trusted him. You built a life with him. None of that was a waste
And I think, deep down, you already know this. The hard part isn’t knowing – it’s doing. Because cutting him off means facing the full weight of the break-up without the false hope his texts offer. Right now, his messages are tiny sparks of what you once had, and part of you is afraid to extinguish them entirely in case he suddenly realises he wants you back.
But here’s the truth: if he truly wanted to come back, he wouldn’t breadcrumb you with daily check-ins – he’d be taking real action to repair the relationship. And he’s not. It doesn’t mean that what you had wasn’t real, or that you aren’t worthy of love. It just means that he changed and this didn’t fit any more. But for you to be able to grieve, to heal, to eventually get back out there and find a relationship that does fit your needs, you need him to stop popping up on your phone every day.
So what do you do now? You let go. Not because it’s easy, and not because you fully want to yet – but because holding on is hurting you more than releasing him ever could. Right now, you’re holding on to hope because the alternative – letting him go completely – feels unbearable. But the longer you hold on to that hope, the longer it’ll take to rebuild your life and figure out who you are without him.
Tell him – kindly but firmly – that you need space. Something like, “I know you care, but hearing from you is making it harder for me to heal. I need time and distance, and I’ll reach out when I’m ready.” Then block his number if you have to. You’re not being cruel; you’re protecting yourself from further pain.
You’re allowed to mourn. Let yourself feel every messy, unbearable thing. Cry. Scream into a pillow. Write letters you’ll never send (and genuinely don’t send them). Lean on friends who remind you who you are outside this relationship. Try a new hobby. Get a therapist who is helpful and lovely. But don’t keep answering his calls just because it feels like the closest thing to having him back. That’s not kindness – it’s self-sacrifice, and you deserve better than that.
You loved him. You trusted him. You built a life with him. None of that was a waste. It was real, it mattered, and you have learned lessons you can bring into your next relationship – because you will fall in love again. But right now, you’re allowed to draw a line now and say, “I deserve a clean break and a future that isn’t dependent on whether or not he changes his mind”.
You are not discarded. You are not the backup plan. You are someone worth choosing – and right now, it’s time for you to choose yourself.
