‘I think my brother might be controlling his wife and daughter’

Question

I was at a training course at work recently and there was some discussion of coercive control. I think it has woken me up to a situation close to me. My brother (late 50s) has been living quite a reclusive life for a long time, but having spent years just commenting on how weird he is, I think he might be controlling his wife and daughter.

He and his wife never engage in any larger family events, and I now realise that I haven’t seen his wife for more than a year. His daughter lives at home and is doing some kind of course, but she actively avoids us (wider family) and seems to believe we are bad or distasteful. My brother works in some kind of finance, but I realise now that I don’t know anything about it at all, or if he has colleagues or even if he has progressed over the years.

I know that his wife gave up work many years ago and gradually withdrew from all social engagements. The last time I saw her was at my mother’s funeral, and I was too upset to notice much – I know that she and my brother left before the food and that he said something about needing to leave as his wife was not well.

I spoke to my other siblings, and everyone has backed away from any involvement in my brother’s life, feeling that we are not wanted and that there has been no return on any engagement. It’s almost as if they have disappeared from our lives. My brother was always very possessive growing up and would freak out if you touched any of his stuff. Thinking about it now, I realise that my dad had some of this in him too and my mum had to battle to be allowed have her own life, but she succeeded and had her own friends, book club and hiking group in the end.

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

Dad stopped leaving the house about 10 years before he died, and now I’m frightened that I’ve stood by and watched harm happening to my brother’s family.

Answer

Now that you have woken up to the possibility of coercive control in your brother’s family, it is incumbent on you to take some actions.

Can you contact your sister-in-law directly, perhaps by text, and establish some rapport with her? If this is not possible, does she have a family member, relative or friend who you could check in with?

[ Coercive control is about power - but there’s more to it than thatOpens in new window ]

Obviously, her daughter, your niece, is a possibility and you might ask her to drop in to you to pick up a present for her mum or some such thing. With your own extended family you might find events to invite your brother to, or any member of his family, and gradually gain closer contact. You can contact Safeireland and speak to the experts on domestic violence to find supportive ways to access your sister-in-law but you might also consider how to find advice and help for your brother.

MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) will be a huge source of information and support for you as you try to connect with your brother and they will help you understand what might be going on for him. It may be possible to talk to your brother (you could be quite upfront about looking to meet him) and ask him about his experience of your father and if he saw any troubling traits there. If there is any recognition, you might explore if he sees any similarities in himself and offer to source help for him.

[ Coercive control: ‘It creeps up on you slowly and quickly at the same time’Opens in new window ]

If you are concerned that your intervention might create a negative response in his home, you have no choice but to contact the gardaí, who have lots of experience of dealing with such situations. Sometimes a crisis can bring a situation to a head and then appropriate services can be sourced and implemented, so do not back off from this possibility.

Of course, you too will need to be resourced and supported so talk to your siblings and see if you can share the responsibility for decisions and actions taken. If you are feeling lost, ask for advice and check your plan with the experts listed above. Guilt at having not realised what might be happening in your brother’s household will only create a barrier for you, so actively let it go. If this does not work, seek a number of counselling sessions to assist you.

Modelling self-care is important in your family so take your own self-care seriously and put it high up in your list of priorities. Society is waking up to the issues of coercive control and you will find understanding and pathways available to you and your family.