Question
I’m hitting 50 this year and feel a bit like a teenager with the problem I have. My best friend and I have been hanging around for most of my life, we actually went to school together and our lives have matched ever since.
After college, we travelled the world and, when we came back, we lived close to each other and even have been each other’s plus-one to weddings, etc. Of course, we have both had romantic entanglements, but, inevitably, these break up and we cry and laugh together about it.
I used to fear that one of us would meet someone special and move away, but over recent years I had put that fear to bed and we used to plan what we would do in retirement, and it was a going to be such a fun time.
The problem is that my friend has met someone, fallen totally in love and, to be honest, I’m bereft. She is saying that she wants to marry him and become a stepmum to his kids. They are even talking about moving closer to his family home and that is far away.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I’m angry and sad and we can’t even have a conversation – mostly because I walk away in disgust. It’s like my whole life and future has been torn away, and she is so happy she can’t understand why I’m not happy for her. I really did not know how lonely life can be without my best friend. She is the person who I would normally go to when I’m sad and now there is no one and the future looks bleak.
Answer
Your anger and sadness are very understandable, not only have you lost a very significant person in your life, but you have also lost a plan for your future. Your friendship has been solid and secure and it has grown to be the substantive relationship in your life and now this is threatened.
However, it continues to be a friendship and as such requires you to honour its principles and adapt to its changing circumstances. To do this, you must first deal with the loneliness, and the loss that you are experiencing, and this is hard to do as your go-to person is at the core of your distress.
Is there someone else you can lean on? A family member, relative or another friend who has been through a loss and so will know how to empathise with you? We know that sharing our sorrows with others helps us to heal and asking for support strengthens our relationships. If you can engage with others about your loss, you might find that you are less angry with your friend, and this might allow you to have a conversation with her.
You feel abandoned and maybe have not given your friend a chance to tell you how she wants to keep your friendship central to her new life. Perhaps she feels that your anger would shoot down any of her suggestions and so she is withdrawing from engagement. For both of your sakes, this friendship needs to be salvaged and this is going to require both of you to believe in its longevity and to speak up for its existence. Loyalty is a core principle of friendship, and this can exist alongside romantic commitment.
[ I’ve been given an opportunity to go to Europe, but I’m scared of being aloneOpens in new window ]
Are you expressing loyalty to your friend and are you giving her the chance to express loyalty to you?
Can you support her in her romantic relationship, as this is what is required in friendship, even when you are feeling sad?
If your friend can feel that it is not a question of choosing between her friend or romantic partner, she may be more open to sympathising with your pain and grief. Kindness is another core principle of friendship and now, more than ever, your friendship needs kindness and caring and if you can display this now, it will keep your friendship alive and true. However, fairness is also a core principle and this is one where your friend needs to demonstrate that she is invested in the friendship – future plans to visit you or for you guys to go on a trip and plans to stay in touch are vital now and if this can be committed to, you might be surprised that you can cope with the change.
Your life is changing and accepting this is the first step towards taking actions that can enhance your existence. You already know that you thrive when you have a close community around you (even if that consisted of only one person in the past). Start investing in this now: keep your friend as part of your inner circle, but enlarge your community so that you have more people to share your life with and do this by reaching out, participating in local events, and taking the risk of being vulnerable with others. This takes time and energy, but you have a lot of living to do and it will bear fruit and enrich your life.
Retirement is still a long way off, and you do not know what it holds for you – open up to possibilities and trust that your friendship will continue to be part of a larger picture future for you.
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