Dear Roe,
Would you have some advice on how to break out of an on-off relationship cycle? I met this man almost eight years ago through a mutual interest. It was a whirlwind romance and I fell madly in love with him. Over the years he broke up with me six times, each time more devastating than the next. The last time we got back together I asked for long-term commitment, for a promise that we would both do everything to sort out any issues with compromise and an open mind and that he wouldn’t default to a break-up. He gave me that commitment and we got engaged and started on building a house and planning a future together. Everything was going great but a year later we had a row over something that escalated into a break-up again despite all my efforts to resolve it through conversation and maybe counselling. He left the relationship without saying goodbye, just dropping off all my stuff in my place when I wasn’t there. It feels really cruel and cold, and in my head I understand that it probably was a toxic relationship all along. The problem is that I miss him terribly and think about him all the time. Same as with previous break-ups. I always felt that my life was better with him in it and when we are together there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. How do I break out of this cycle and move on? I have tried counselling but it didn’t really help.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. Eight years is such a large chunk of time to have devoted to someone, and with an engagement and a house build thrown in at the end, I know you’re processing not only the past eight years of this relationship, but a vision of the future that had suddenly become very clear and seemed possible. That’s a lot to mourn, and I really hope that you’re surrounding yourself with people who are loving and supportive, and that you’re both giving yourself some time to grieve while also staying connected to the world and things that bring you joy.
Conflict and commitment require vulnerability, emotional maturity and self-awareness, and he’s not capable of any of that
You do need to make the decision to mourn and grieve, though. You need to make the decision to let go of this man and to be done with this situation that is bringing you pain and keeping you stuck. You’re not there yet, are you? Part of you is still clinging to the idea that maybe he’ll come back – which, given his history, is not an unreasonable assumption. But part of you is holding out hope that he’ll come back because you want to go back to him. And at some stage you are going to have to make the decision not to do that. You’re going to have to make the decision to cut this man off and no longer think of him as your future. You’re going to have to make the decision not to keep going back to a person who hurts you again and again in a very predictable pattern. You’re going to have to make the decision to end this, grieve, and hope for something better. You’re going to have to make the decision to endure pain, and to put in the hard work required of hope. You’re going to have to make the decision to choose yourself.
I could tell you all about this man, the ways in which he is selfish and cowardly and terrified of anything real, which is why he cuts and runs every year. A year in a relationship is the honeymoon phase, it’s where everything is passionate and exciting and we forgive our partners their flaws and transgressions and give the relationship our all. It’s a great time – but it also needs to end so that we can see our partner clearly, so we can see their flaws clearly, so that we can set the boundaries that need to be set so that we can be the best versions of ourselves, and so we can start making plans for our lives. The honeymoon phase needs to end so the work of love can begin – the work that is clear-eyed, effortful, and requires mutual vulnerability and respect.
This man leaves every year because he is terrified of that work. He doesn’t want you to see him clearly because he knows he doesn’t have enough to offer you, because he knows he’s flawed and that once you see that, he’ll have to grapple with the reflection of himself he sees in you. He’ll either have to do the work to be better, which he’s not willing or able to do, or he’ll have to take responsibility for his actions and immaturity, and he doesn’t want to do that either. This is why he can’t cope with conflict and he can’t cope with commitment – conflict and commitment both require you to manage discomfort, to risk another person seeing your flaws and seeing you be wrong, to grapple with your shame and self-image and to update it with possibly unflattering new information and to keep going. Conflict and commitment require vulnerability, emotional maturity and self-awareness, and he’s not capable of any of that.
[ ‘I love taking care of anxious partners, but my needs always get trampled’Opens in new window ]
So instead, he’s found a loophole: every year, he will leave you, hurt you, devastate you – for a while. Then he’ll come back, knowing that you’re so grateful to have him back that you’ll happily put back on those rose-coloured glasses and go back into the honeymoon phase. He’s bought himself another year of fantasy. He can enjoy you seeing him as this wonderful, charismatic, irresistible figure – and when that illusion starts to fall, he can start the cycle over.
But that’s him. We need to talk about you. At some point, you need to stop buying into this fantasy. Because the story of this man? You’re making it the story of you, too. By staying with this man, you are turning yourself into someone who also can’t make it through a year of a relationship without a break-up, who also can’t get past the honeymoon phase and have a clear-eyed relationship, who also has not had a relationship where a future is really, actually possible. By staying with a man who is stuck in a cycle of dodging emotional maturity and self-awareness and clear communication and commitment and growth, you have opted into that cycle too.
By staying with someone who cannot grow, you are choosing not to grow yourself. By staying with an emotionally unavailable partner, you become emotionally unavailable to everyone else who could offer you something real. By staying with someone who is obviously so scared of anything real, you’re showing that part of you is scared of something real, too.
Decide what you want. If you really want a relationship that is loving, trustworthy, reliable, committed, that embraces the real, clear-eyed work of love and holds the potential for a future, then you have to choose to cut this man off, forever. If you go back to him, you must accept that you are choosing the same thing he is: a fantasy that will continue to fall apart, keep you both stuck, and will hurt you.
Find a new therapist. Figure out why you’ve chosen this story for eight years. Grieve that time, that effort, that man. Then start writing yourself a new story – and start believing you deserve it.
