Dear Roe,
I have a group of friends who have all known each other for more than a decade. We don’t all see each other as often as we used to, but we do make an effort and generally keep in touch. It recently came out that one of my closest friends in the group, [we’ll call her Ann], was sleeping with the long-term boyfriend of [we’ll call her Beth] for a couple of months. Beth lived abroad for a few years and so wasn’t always as close with everyone, but she is a friend and has been part of the group for years. When Beth found out, she left her boyfriend and is understandably furious with Ann – as are a lot of the group, who are now not inviting Ann to get-togethers because Beth can’t be around her. I’m close with Ann and know she’s had a hard few years. She told me she slept with this man because she was lonely and I think desperate for some attention and validation. Ann’s been very depressed since everything came out and is struggling. I do want her to be okay and am hoping this is a turning point for her. But it’s hard to sympathise with her when she keeps blaming Beth’s ex and complains about the group leaving her out and taking Beth’s side. She gets upset if I go to anything that she’s not invited to, which feels guilt-trippy. (Beth, on the other hand, doesn’t want to see or talk about Ann but has said she’s glad Ann has me.) I do love Ann. Although I think she did something really awful when she was in a bad place emotionally, I want her to get back on track. I don’t want to pile on when everyone is abandoning her, but I also don’t want to pretend what she did was okay. I don’t want to lose the friendship but am losing patience with her.
What a mess. I’m sorry you’re going through this – obviously I’m more sorry for Beth, but navigating a complicated group friendship fallout is a tricky business and it sounds like it’s taking up a lot of emotional energy. It makes sense that you’re conflicted – you can see how Ann’s struggles and low self-esteem led her to make some terrible, self-destructive choices and want to support her, but on the other hand, you can also see clearly how her choices have hurt other people and how she’s not acknowledging her role or taking responsibility.
I do want you to remain aware of your own boundaries and needs. Your letter is all about you trying to manage other people’s feelings, and it’s going to be important to check in with yourself and your boundaries so you don’t get consumed by other people’s drama. Ironically, you could possibly learn a lot about boundaries from Beth, who had two people she trusted deeply betray her, removed them from her life, but has still managed to express care about Ann. Distance, boundaries yet compassion – it’s an incredibly healthy combination. A gold star to Beth and locusts upon her ex.
You need to be able to sustain yourself, so make sure you’re taking space when you need to and expressing your feelings – to your friends, a therapist, a neutral third party, or even just to yourself. It sounds like you want Ann to be a better version of herself but are disappointed and frustrated with her lack of accountability. Is there anything else there for you emotionally? Betrayal? Anger? Fear that she may hurt or betray you or other friends for her own ego? Tapping into your feelings will help you figure out what boundaries you need to set, and how you might need to handle Ann’s complaints while being true to yourself.
You can be a supportive friend to Ann and acknowledge her struggles without condoning her actions, and while encouraging her to work on the underlying issues.
If you don’t feel like she’s ready to process her role in this mess, you can acknowledge her feelings and express empathy without condoning her actions by saying things such as “It sounds like you’re really hurt by the way people have reacted. I can imagine it feels very lonely” or “I can understand that this is a difficult time for you. I imagine it’s really hard to feel rejected.”
If Ann continues to endlessly complain without taking responsibility, it will be important to set boundaries
You may want to try focus on reminding Ann of her own agency, and focusing your responses on asking her how she wants to address the issues that led her here. If she says that she feels lonely, unloved, unworthy or depressed, tell her that that sounds very difficult and she both deserves and needs external support – and then, crucially, ask her what she thinks she should do. Offer to help research therapists if she doesn’t have one, and ask her how she plans to take care of herself for the next while.
If Ann’s lack of accountability is affecting your view of her, you can address this. If she’s fragile, it might be better to wait until she’s set up with a therapist or until you feel like she can hear you. You can be gentle and instead of expressing judgment, offer her ways of engaging that are open. You could say “I know you’re feeling hurt by the way some people are treating you, but I also think you probably knew you were risking the friendships. Have you had a chance to reflect on that?” Or even just “I love you but I do not understand your choices or reactions. What’s going on here?”
If Ann continues to endlessly complain without taking responsibility, it will be important to set boundaries. You can ask questions like “I don’t follow – how is Beth wrong here?” which could interrupt any blame games. You can steer the conversation towards action, by saying, “It seems like we’re talking in circles about this. Maybe it would help to think about what you want to do next.” If she’s open to it, you could encourage some self-reflection, saying “This situation is really painful for everyone involved and you seem a bit stuck right now. I think it might be helpful for you to think about how you can make amends or take responsibility, even if it’s just to yourself.”
And you can be honest about your limits and boundaries around her lack of accountability, telling her you can only be supportive to a certain extent. This could sound like “I care about you and know it’s hard right now, but I also think it’s important for you to reflect on how things went down with the affair. Until there’s some acknowledgment of that, I can’t offer you the kind of support you might be looking for right now.” You can also set boundaries if she tries to guilt-trip you about seeing your friends, saying “I don’t think Beth needing space from you is wrong, and I’m not going to cut her or any of the group off. I still want to see you, but our friendship can’t be conditional on me ending those friendships.” Or, finally and simply, “I love you but I can’t be the person you vent to about this any more.”
If Ann continues to avoid responsibility, you can then decide what type of relationship you want to have with her. It’s okay to distance yourself or change the nature of the relationship if it feels like her actions are incompatible with your own principles. You could tell her that maintaining a close friendship is only possible for you if you see some self-reflection, or you can simply take a step back. Elsewhere, give Beth all the support she needs.