Question
I am a single mum and had my only child, a daughter, when I was 46. I am obviously divorced, and my parents and brother have died.
My daughter has gone to America to live with her husband. She’s only 18 and has bad endometriosis. I am missing her. She has been there for five months and I have been feeling anxious and depressed, and thinking my life is worthless.
I feel lost and lonely. I have begun to think there’s no reason for me here any more ... do any other people feel this way?
My heart is painful, and I cry all the time.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
You are in full blown grief and many people will recognise your pain and loss. As a single mum, you have no one else to share your grief with, and this increases the intensity of the experience and deepens the anguish. There is an added piece in that your daughter has a tough medical condition and this adds worry and fear to an already overloaded emotional system. Before going to what you might do, it helps to understand what you are feeling and to link it to the wider world.
Last year, the United States surgeon general published a document called Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation which outlined the plight of many in western society: that of people feeling isolated, invisible, cut off and lonely. This disconnection could be heard in statements such as, “no one would notice if I disappeared” or “I am totally alone in dealing with life’s burdens”.
Today, we have many people living in single-person households – 29 per cent of all homes in the US and just over half of these are women. However, it is not just those who live alone who feel such loneliness, but many people feel this sense of utter isolation from within relationships or in apparently busy lives – leaving them at risk of depression and illness.
Shocking figures show that the consequence of loneliness leads to increased risk of early death, dementia, physical illness and all of this in spite of whatever lifestyle might be in place. (see surgeon general’s document) As human beings, we thrive when we are loved, when we are part of a community and when there is meaning in our lives. The pain we feel when we are separated from loved ones is testament to the depth of that love. Despite, or indeed because of, the pain we have to carry on and find meaning and connection in our lives, not only for our own benefit but also for the benefit of those we love.
We know that one of the best gifts a parent can give a child is to be happy themselves. This is not a simple ask as it involves the parent focusing on creating a life for themselves that is fulfilling, outside of the parent role. As someone in their 60s, you might begin to use your current situation as a push to consider change in your life. There is a surprising rule that we are more open to change when we are already in a state of flux, there is not much comfort or happiness in your current life, so gather your energy and push beyond your familiar limits. Your motivation can be that you want to be strong and capable for your daughter, so that she has you to back her up in her life, and that you can demonstrate to her how to have a life worth living despite difficulties.
It is not easy to make genuine connections, but all of this starts with spending time with people you either admire or share an interest with. This used to happen at work but hybrid working has lessened this possibility, and in your case you may be thinking of retirement in the near future. You are not alone in feeling so bereft and it would benefit you to connect with others who share a sense of loss – if you live in a city you may have the option of joining a weekly therapy group (see group analytic psychotherapy for more information) or if you are in a rural area you may need to take the risk of opening up to someone you think worthy of your honesty.
[ Group therapy: How to learn about yourself in the company of strangersOpens in new window ]
The way friendships deepen is when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another – we should do this with intelligence and judge the listener to be a good person. This may not always work, but if it doesn’t, the fault lies with the other and it should not make us retreat into further reclusiveness. Spending time (turning up week after week) with a group of people, whether that be sport, a book club or art group, will eventually gain a sense of community, so simply committing to attendance offers a great chance of eventual connection.
Equally so, volunteering is a quick path to both meaning and networking so look up local options and take the first step towards expanding your circle. Your life needs change, it needs connection, and your desolation is pushing you to demand a better life for yourself. Tell your daughter of your plans for development so that she can champion you and also learn how to thrive and survive in a sometimes tough world.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
If you are affected by any of the issues in this piece, please contact The Samaritans at 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.ie