Dear Roe,
I’m in my mid-twenties and going out with a great guy for two years. We get on really well and he is so good to me and for me. He is still finishing in college having taken a break for a couple of years. Everything is great and we really feel we have a future together – except that he really wants to move to Australia to live once he qualifies. His only sibling lives there with her children and he is very close to her. He also loves the outdoor life that he could enjoy there. I’m very close to my family here and I don’t think I’d be happy being so far away, especially if we had children. I feel that no matter what we decide to do, one of us is going to be unhappy with that choice. Should we consider breaking up now or should one of us compromise (probably me)? I’m really torn and would be grateful for your advice.
Don’t go.
You love this person and he loves you, and that is a beautiful thing. Everything you have experienced with this person, all the joy and love, all the ways you have both been good to each other and for each other, all the ways you have learned and grown with this person – you will always have that and can cherish it and be grateful for it.
But you do not sacrifice your life, your desires, your family, your happiness, and your home for a relationship. Because that means sacrificing yourself for another person, and that is a relationship that is never going to work – because you will not work any more, not in the same way. You will not be the same person your partner fell in love with if you move somewhere you don’t want to be, with no support system, feeling like you’ve sacrificed your life for him. You will be a smaller, less happy version of yourself – and you will hold it against him, even though you chose to go, and it will negatively impact your relationship.
You both value very similar things, which is likely why your relationship has been so strong and why you’ve been able to envision a future together. You both value family, community, and feeling settled and supported in one place. Your sense of self and your happiness, both general and daily, depends on living near to your family. You want the children in your family – your own future children and any nieces and nephews and cousins – to grow up around each other, and to have close relationships with the adults in your family. These are intrinsic values that you both hold dear and that are integral to your happiness and an important part of the future you imagine for yourselves.
These are shared values, and for the two of you, they are sadly geographically incompatible. You’re not talking about different towns or counties, but continents and sides of the world, and so you’re right – any compromise won’t be one of “we’ll live closer to your parents but visit mine regularly”, it will be one of “you get to live in accordance with your values, surrounded by your support system, while I don’t get to live out my values, a world away from the people I love”. That’s not a compromise; that’s self-erasure.
I don’t want that for you. You don’t want it for yourself either and for good reason: you know you won’t be happy, or the best version of yourself, and you know that no relationship – even a great one, with a person you love – is worth losing yourself.
I wouldn’t say this to everyone. If you had expressed interest in some adventure, if your vision for your future was less clear, if your partner wanted to live abroad for a year or two but come back to Ireland to settle, I’d probably encourage you to have an Australian adventure for a little bit before coming home. Travelling and living somewhere else for a while can be an incredible opportunity for growth and personal evolution – but if, and only if, you’ve chosen it. If you’re feeling dragged along, if you’re feeling like you’re fulfilling someone else’s desires against your own, if you feel like moving abroad is detracting from your ability to live your life as you want and invest in your future instead of helping you build it, then you’re just going to be miserable – and understandably.
Your partner wants to move towards his future and settle somewhere so he can start living his life in accordance with his values. You need to do the same – by staying where you are.
It’s not going to be easy; of course it’s not. This is heartbreak. This pain is the price of admission for loving someone else and yourself – and it’s beautiful. It’s awful and exquisite, and life-affirming
I know that saying “you’re young” can feel patronising, but trust me, you’re young. You’re in your twenties. You will meet other people who you connect with, and the relationships you have in the future will benefit from not only everything you have learned in this relationship so far, but also what you’re learning now: that knowing, valuing and investing in yourself sometimes means letting other people go. That you cannot and should not erase yourself for someone else. And that sacrificing everything you hold dear so someone else can be happy isn’t sustainable, wise or what healthy relationships are built on.
If you know that your partner is going to move, and that this will be the end of your relationship, you can decide what to do with your time now. Unlike so many relationships that implode or end after one person makes a huge sacrifice and resentment builds, you and your partner can decide how to spend your remaining time together. You can plan for the end of your relationship, and move towards this ending with all the love and care and respect that you’ve brought to it so far. You can think of the experiences you want to have together, and how you want to spend your time – then you can let each other go in different directions with love and respect, knowing that you’ve been formative to each other, but also knowing that by separating, you’re helping each other move towards your best futures.
It’s not going to be easy; of course it’s not. This is heartbreak. This pain is the price of admission for loving someone else and yourself – and it’s beautiful. It’s awful and exquisite, and life-affirming. You have been brave enough and open-hearted enough to love someone – and you are going to be brave enough and open-hearted enough to let them go, and move towards your future. There’s a reason the prospect of moving to Australia for this relationship feels wrong in your body and your soul. That’s your gut talking. Listen to it. Be grateful for it – and be grateful for this relationship and the opportunity to leave it mindfully, on your own terms.
Your life will be a beautiful, unfolding adventure. Thank this chapter for all it has taught you, and walk into the next chapter knowing that you are moving towards your future.