Question
I have been working in the Far East since graduating 10 years ago. I met my husband here and have enjoyed my life so far, especially the living conditions and the respect I get for my work.
I have climbed the career ladder (in education) and feel that I have brought a lot of expertise and knowledge to the sector. The difficulty is that the culture and my husband’s family in particular are factors that I struggle with. As a wife, I’m expected to do most of the management of the family, and while we have some leeway within our own house, there is no escape when I am with my in-laws.
We spend most weekends with extended family, and while this is good for my two kids (aged five and seven), I am expected to spend huge amounts of time preparing food for the extended family while my husband chats with the lads. I know he is proud of me and my achievements, but his mum and sisters do not make any allowances for my busy weeks, and they put a lot of pressure on me to be a traditional wife. It is driving me crazy – and I’m now thinking of returning to Ireland.
The difficulty is that that if we come home, my husband might find it difficult to find work or to be as respected as he currently is. Also, the cost of living in Ireland is almost 10 times that of where I am now. My kids have English, but it is their second language, and they will struggle for a while if we move. My other concern is that I will not achieve the same level of success in my career as I have here, but if I stay, I think I will turn into an angry version of myself that is not good for the family.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
My own family are very encouraging of me returning and might swamp us – and I fear that my husband will be overwhelmed by them.
Answer
This will read as a familiar problem to those couples where one partner comes from a different part of the world. The question of who gets preference regarding where to live, work and raise a family is often a bone of contention – so this conundrum needs to be approached with sensitivity.
You say you are considering moving back to Ireland because of the expectations put on you by your husband’s family, but I wonder whether this could be talked over with them before your final decision is made? It may be that your husband’s family might be willing to look at their expectations if they knew that they might otherwise lose their son/brother and grandchildren. If this is to be considered, you would need your husband to be very much on side and be willing to challenge his family traditions to make life more bearable for you.
The first step is to involve your husband in some serious conversations, and to get reassurance from him that he will model an egalitarian marriage when you are with his family. However, it may be that everyone has to experience what an alternative life is like before coming to a clear and final choice about where to live. Is it possible for you to take a career break, rent your house and try Ireland for three to six months or so? This might allow all of you to test what life might be like for you in Ireland, though this scenario might involve you living with your family, which may present its own issues.
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In relationships, fairness is a very important component, and there needs to be reciprocity. This might mean that one person moves country for their partner’s job, but that at a later date, their needs are prioritised. Or it might mean that appropriate value is placed on one person’s contribution if they have sacrificed career, goals or other factors for the sake of the whole family. Discussing this with your husband will deepen and solidify your relationship, even if you cannot come to a conclusion.
Loyalty to each other is something that needs to be made explicit so that neither of you feels that you may be abandoned due to difficult circumstances. The dialogue can be started by saying something like, “Before we have this difficult discussion, I want you to know that we are solid and we will not break up”. It can be very easy to slide into opposing sides when emotions are running high, so better to have a bottom line in place before you start.
These conversations can model many of the other difficult conversations you will need to have in your life together and can act as blueprint for you to follow. You have families on both sides encouraging you to live near them, and while this is positive in many ways, ultimately you must put your own family’s needs first and come to a mutually satisfactory position, so that both you and your husband can have faith in each other’s position.
Do not rush to a conclusion, as the process of decision making could be the most important cornerstone of your family’s future, wherever it might be.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com