Dear Roe,
I am a happily married woman and some years ago I worked with a man and developed a big crush on him. I knew he was married as I know his wife well and she is a great woman. However, in my mind I resolved to never having an affair as I think it leads to great unhappiness, but I did pursue any contact I could have with this man, as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I thought it was harmless. However, I now think that the feelings I had for him are reciprocated and I feel that I acted badly and should have been more mindful of my actions. To compound things, I have form, as a few years ago a similar thing happened and again I was obsessed with a man but he left the workplace and my feelings for him eventually abated. The problem is that I keep beating myself up as I couldn’t stop thinking of this man and feel totally responsible for any interest he is showing me now. I feel that he must have been able to read my thoughts and that he thinks I led him a merry dance. Please help?
I say this with love: you need to find healthier outlets for your love of drama.
I am not judging you. Life is long, the demands are exhausting, the busy nothings of everyday life can feel mundane – sometimes we need drama, excitement, a frisson of energy to remind ourselves that we are alive and wild and contain multitudes beyond the often limiting roles prescribed to us: wife, mother, good worker, respectable citizen, consistent recycler, what have you. Something in you wants to feel alive, validated, passionate, desired, excited – and that is fine, that can be beautiful and energising. But you must admit it to yourself. You must own the fact that you are someone who wants things, who wants excitement, who wants a more passionate existence than you have now. If you don’t admit it yourself, if you don’t own your desires and find good outlets for them, you are going to continuously be drawn to and create drama that damages you and other people. You’re going to constantly create risky situations and cross boundaries and hurt people and wonder how on earth a respectable, happily married woman like yourself ended up in such a pickle. You’re planting the pickle and letting it grow out of control, because you’re not putting your energies towards growing something more sustaining.
I love a crush. Crushes can be gorgeous. Crushes are reminders that the world is full of beautiful, interesting, sparkling people – and a good crush can make us feel a little more sparkling too. A good crush can heighten the senses, make us feel more engaged with and connected to the world, and can revive parts of us that might have felt dulled or forgotten. Even when you’re in a committed relationship, crushes can be lovely – as long as you’re setting boundaries and harnessing the crush’s energy and using it positively. Crushes can remind you that there are other options out there, that love is a choice, and reinforces that you’re committed to choosing your partner every day. And the flirty, engaged, excited, passionate energy of a crush can be brought back to the relationship, nudging a little more romance, a little more connection, a little more spice. You can bring the sparkling version of you to your partner, and make them feel a bit more sparkling too.
But that can only happen when you’re honest about what you want and what you’re doing; and that can only happen when you put boundaries in place. You haven’t been doing any of that. You haven’t been honest with yourself about what you want or what you’re doing, and so you haven’t put any boundaries or safety mechanisms in place.
For example, you write that “I did pursue any contact I could have with this man as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I thought it was harmless”. Even the way you’ve structured this sentence is interesting, putting the phrases “thinking about him” and “harmless” beside each other. Because thinking about a crush is relatively harmless. But “pursuing any contact I could have” is far less harmless, isn’t it? That’s not thought, that’s a series of choices and actions. Constantly seeking out a man you like, whose wife you know, and creating endless opportunities for contact, connection, increased closeness and flirting, which have all grown to this mutual attraction and awareness of attraction. That’s planting and watering and tending to the pickle and ensuring it grows, all while saying “But there’s no issue here, because I’m just thinking about pickles, and that’s harmless”.
You need to start owning your actions, exploring the motivation behind them, and tending to that desire in a different way. Even now, you’re still not being honest with yourself about your connection to this drama. You’re “beating yourself up” and “feel totally responsible for any interest he is showing me now” – so still obsessing. Still pouring all your energy into the pickle, tending to it, still giving it opportunities to grow. Because what exactly are you planning on doing with this guilt and sense of responsibility you feel towards this man? Keep giving him some attention because you would feel guilty cutting if off? Have a clandestine, whispered conversation where you admit to him that you are attracted to him and apologise for confusing him because of course, of course, nothing can happen? Have that admission sit between you, growing, daring one of you to do something with it?
If you need to reconnect with desire and lust and attraction, how can you do that with your partner?
You’re still living for the drama, and you need to stop. He’s a grown man. He will survive the co-worker who flirted with him for a while going back to being professional. And you’re a grown woman. So go back to being professional. That’s literally all it takes. You put the boundaries on. No more needlessly seeking him out, no more flirting, no more indulging yourself, no more lying to yourself. You have made choices that have disrespected your relationship and his, you have crossed boundaries, you have created a situation that is no longer risk-free and harmless. And now you’re going to make different choices. It’s that simple. Not easy – it’ll take a while to get over him, and as Jim Baker says in Sixteen Candles: “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ‘em something else.” But it is that simple.
When you cut off all needless interaction with this man and when you begin to obsess about him, take that time to think about yourself instead. Think of what you value. I believe you value your relationship – but you also value something else, because you keep pursuing it, so figure out what that is so you can cultivate it in a way that won’t destroy your relationship.
What about this crush excited you, made you feel alive? What were you looking for in this situation? Where else in your life can you find that, in a way that respects yourself, your husband, your relationship and the relationships of other people? If you need novelty or passion, how can you build it into your life? If you need to reconnect with desire and lust and attraction, how can you do that with your partner? If you want to feel a certain way, how can you indulge that need in a way that is sustaining and fulfilling, rather than self-destructive?
Get a crush on your own life. Tend to it. Make it grow. It’ll bear more fruit, I promise.