Question
My 12-year-old girl can have big anxiety meltdowns which are affecting the whole family. She can be a bit of a perfectionist and hates when things change suddenly. She can also get really stressed about social events and this can provoke her meltdowns.
For example, last Saturday, she was due to go out to a party with her six schoolfriends (movie night and pizza in one of the girls’ houses). The whole day she kept saying she did not want to go and when we asked her why she said she was worried about what to wear, what she would say to the girls, etc. As far as I could tell, there is no bullying or anything like that going on and they are all nice girls she has been in class with since she started.
Anyway, throughout the day she became so wound up about the party that it provoked a big meltdown, with screaming and shouting. In the end, we finally persuaded her to go, although an hour late, as we did not want her to miss out, though it was stressful. Once she got there, she seemed to enjoy herself – she said it went well when I collected her.
We took her to see a psychologist because of her anxiety and while she did not give a formal diagnosis, she said my daughter was displaying OCD behaviour and also had many autistic traits. We are on her waiting list for CBT therapy. In the meantime, how can we help her? I don’t want her anxiety and meltdowns to cause her to miss going out socially with her group of friends.
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Otherwise, she seems to be doing well in school and goes twice a week to her GAA football training, which she really loves and is one of the best players on the team.
Answer
Though a common part of childhood, anxiety meltdowns are very stressful both for children to go through and for parents to deal with.
Meltdowns are best understood as the child becoming overwhelmed by stress and anxiety – their agitation and upset reach a boiling point and this is expressed in screaming and shouting. Often, meltdowns are the result of an accumulation of stress over some time – rather than there being a single trigger event.
Sometimes, meltdowns are seen as the child being “wilful” or throwing a “tantrum” to avoid doing something, but it is more helpful to perceive meltdown as caused by overwhelm – the child is communicating that they need support and understanding – the “can’t” do something rather than are “wilfully” choosing to oppose you.
In helping your daughter, the goal is to understand and address the underlying stresses that cause her meltdowns. You want to prevent them from happening rather than just “pushing through” when they do. While you might think she is missing out by not going to the party, maybe it is too stressful at the moment for her to go? Maybe this is not her preferred way to socialise at the moment? Lots of girls find large, unstructured social events with peers difficult. At the age of 12, the dynamics of friendship groups change, new subtle rules about “fitting in” come to the fore which are hard to navigate, especially for girls who might be autistic.
While there may not be overt bullying, maybe your daughter is not getting what she needs from socialising in this large group. Maybe she might be more comfortable with smaller groups or one-to-one meet meet-ups around shared activities. Significantly, your daughter is happy going to GAA training, where she has a natural talent there is a clear task and clear expectations.
At the age of 12, I would suggest giving her a choice about whether she wants to go to the party or not. Listen carefully to what she finds stressful – it is great that she is able to talk to you about her worries, such as what to wear and what to say, etc. You can of course support her to think through these worries and to explore what would make her more comfortable going But remove the pressure that she “has to go” and explore alternatives such as going for the first part of the party, meeting the girls she is closer to individually elsewhere or building the social connections she needs elsewhere (eg, through her GAA if she is happy there already).
Individual counselling and/or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may be helpful for your daughter, especially if she is open to talking through her feelings and thoughts and if she meets a therapist whom she connects with and who understands her. However, be careful of exclusively locating the “problem” with her – that she has to change or learn social skills. Instead, it can be more useful to look at changing the environment to one she thrives in.
In the long term, you want to help her find her niche and a social group she connects with and not a stressful meeting.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie
