Question
How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school? She seems to be suffering from very high anxiety levels and is stressed about many aspects of school, such as being asked a question by the teachers or being asked to read aloud in class, etc.
We encourage her to attend school, but it does not always work and often ends up with her in tears and staying at home. Even when she does leave the car to go in, you can see how stressed she is. We feel bad, like we are sending her into the lion’s den. When she comes home she is often wrecked by the stress and has to go to bed. When we talk to the teachers, they don’t seem to notice her stress and just see her as a quiet girl in the class. She is highly capable academically and gets good grades on tests (despite stressing about them).
Another thing is that she does not have too many friends in school – her best two friends are her cousin and another girl she knows for years from ballet. She loves holidays and is much happier during the school breaks. For example, we just had a great Christmas with her, but as the school reopening date approached her stress levels really increased.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.
How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school?
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Answer
Many children and teenagers find attending school stressful and anxiety provoking. This is particularly the case for children who are autistic or who have other additional needs. Specific reasons for these high levels of stress vary greatly. Like your daughter, they experience high anxiety at the prospect of being asked a question or to read out loud (and can ruminate about this for hours). Others find the social pressures, school routine or the academic schedule difficult to navigate. Like your daughter, many children appear “quiet” in the class and the teachers don’t notice their anxiety, when in fact this is a sign of your daughter masking her distress and in a state of emotional shutdown.
Meeting the school
The first thing to do to help is to meet the year head in the school and to explain the high levels of anxiety your daughter is experiencing and to ask for their support. They may have a resource teacher or school counsellor who can help. You can specifically ask the year head to let all her teachers know to not ask her to read in class and if she is to be involved in any presentation that they give you notice so you can help her prepare her. You can also ask for other accommodations that might help. For example, some children find it useful to have a safe place to go to when needing a break from the stress (such as the counsellor’s office) or having some structured activities or jobs at the lunchbreaks may reduce stress also.
Consider reducing your daughter’s school day
Given that your daughter is highly capable 17 year old, she might be more productive in her study/learning at home where she is happier and more relaxed. As a result you could consider reducing the number of days she attends school or reducing the length of the school day to reduce stress. You could do this with agreement with the school by negotiating a reduced schedule or a pass system whereby she can leave class on a high stress day and contact you to go home (you will likely need the support of a professional assessment to persuade the school to agree to this). You can also agree a home pass system with your daughter. For example, on a high stress day, she can opt to use her pass to take the day off and study at home (you can agree she has so many passes a week).
This gives her some self-control and avoids a tearful journey to school where she finally decides not to go in under extreme stress. In arranging a reduced schedule it is important to give your daughter a cover story that she feels able to communicate to peers about her absences. This can be simply be that she is prone to fatigue or sickness and needs time off to recuperate.
Explore options with your daughter
Whatever you decide, it is important to talk through options with your daughter. Make sure to listen to her and show her that you understand and are there to help her. Encourage her to say more about her specific stresses during the school day and explore what things might help her. There may be effective strategies that you can come up with together. Consider getting the support of a counsellor who could talk through the challenges with you or your daughter or with both of you together. In addition, make sure to continue to support her in the activities that are source of wellbeing in her life, such as going to ballet, meeting her cousin and friends as well as breaks and holidays. Planning and focusing on some nice events, as well as problem-solving challenges together as they arise will add to her ability to cope.
For more support, please see the other questions I have written on school related anxiety. There are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK as well as some useful resource packs for parents and teachers published by cypsc.ie.
- John Sharry is Clinical Director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See details of Parenting Teenagers courses at www.solutiontalk.ie
