Question
I have a 12-year-old daughter and she doesn’t seem to do well outside of her comfort zone and with new people and situations. She was in the Gaeltacht and we had four days of weeping phone calls and demands to go home. Then she settled down. We were very surprised, as she is in scouts and has been away from us before. I visited her and, when dropping her back, she was very upset again, even though there were only three more days left.
Is there something we should do to boost her confidence?
She is not great at just getting on with things and seems to be very sensitive to girls “glaring” at her and tells me she feels judged by some other girls. I have seen her in action and she can eye-roll me and her brother like a champ, so I think it’s a confidence thing.
I am keen on making the kids deal with uncomfortable situations, as that is what life throws at you. Hence the trip to the Gaeltacht – I am fully hoping that she’ll feel proud of herself after the experience and being able to stay the course. Her 15-year-old brother seems to take it all in his stride. She does not. My daughter is starting first year, and I am nervous about how she will get on with all the changes.
‘I am keen on making my kids deal with uncomfortable situations, but my daughter is struggling’
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Answer
I hope your daughter got through her last few days in the Gaeltacht okay. By now she must be a few weeks into secondary school. Adolescence and the early teenage years are a time of great change and turmoil, and different children cope very differently.
As you have discovered, your older son responded to new experiences such as the Gaeltacht, taking them in his stride, while your daughter needed more support and reassurance. Many adolescents become acutely self-conscious and unconfident during the early teen years. New experiences and mixing with new social groups can become particularly challenging. While some children respond to being thrown in the deep end of a new experience, other children need a much more gradual, supported and scaffolded approach.
Some children may not be ready for certain experiences until they are a bit older, and some need a supportive base to get the most of them (such as attending a shorter Gaeltacht stint with a supportive friend). In addition, while pushing through a difficult experience might work for some children, for others it might just add to their upset. For these children it can work best to support them to take a break from the experience and to frame this as a learning point rather than a failure.
Take time to understand
To build your daughter’s confidence, first take time to understand what is challenging for her and what her needs are.
In what social situations and with which girls does she feel judged?
What would help her in those situations?
Also, try to work out when she feels most comfortable and which children she gets on well with. To build her confidence, it is best to support friendships and social groups where she feels the happiest most secure. Do what you can as a parent to support these positive friendships by allowing friends to visit or driving them places they enjoy and so on.
[ My 14-year-old son avoids socialising with groups his own ageOpens in new window ]
Support her to engage in her passions
Young teenagers build their confidence when they engage in activities they love and are good at. It is during these activities that they display the best sides to their personalities and where they find it easiest to make friends. Even very socially conscious or awkward children can “forget themselves” when immersed in a passion as they share their enjoyment with other children like them.
Take time to explore what school and extracurricular activities work for her. Sometimes you have to be very patient and introduce a child to many activities before they find their niche.
Be a supportive coach
Young teenagers are at a stage of life when they are learning to make their own decisions, and it is this decision-making that builds their confidence. Your role as a parent is to be a good listener and supporter as they work out what they want to do in their lives. You can make subtle suggestions but you have to be careful about putting them under pressure or taking over.
Reflect with your daughter about good and bad experiences and help her learn from them. You might celebrate a good social experience and explore what made it work: “That went well didn’t it, what did you really enjoy about it?/What made it go so well?”
You can also empathise with them when she has a bad experience and help her problem-solve: “I am glad you told me about how you feel ... let’s figure out what do together.”
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a workshop on Supporting Teenagers Self-esteem in October. See solutiontalk.ie