When Gráinne Fennell’s 14-year-old trans boy Barra-John (Bee) first came out about his gender identity two years ago, the Wicklow-based mother of two didn’t anticipate it would be the beginning of an ongoing journey.
“I think it was a Sunday night, Barra-John came out to the sittingroom and said that he wanted to speak to myself, Dad and [his sister] Lena. It just looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders,” she recalls.
“I remember feeling scared because I didn’t know what was coming. He said that he identified as non-binary and I immediately went into mom mode and said, ‘as long as your heart and wonderful soul stays the same, then I really don’t mind’. And then I said: ‘What does that mean?’ I didn’t know what non-binary was.”
Non-binary is a term used to describe an individual who doesn’t identify exclusively as male or female. Although Bee first identified as such at the age of 12, it was actually the start of a gender identity journey because, a year later, Bee came out as trans. “When Bee first came out as non-binary, I knew this wasn’t the destination,” she says, “and that was fine. We still may not be at the destination. I don’t know. I’m just going with what makes Bee feel comfortable, because that’s what makes my child happy.”
While the open-minded mother didn’t hesitate to accept her son through various stages of his identity, she did struggle to explain it to others, at times. She says the news of her son’s transition was often met with negativity in certain social circles and confusion in others. “So many people would be dismissive of it and say things like, ‘ah sure, it’s just a phase’.
“But my child is my child, he is now happier that I know who he is. There was no coming to terms with it for me. Now, in saying that, that’s me being accepting – when you try explaining this to the grandparents, or even the aunts and uncles, or the people you work with who wouldn’t have the same mindset, I found that hard.”
[ ‘It’s been quite the journey’ – Life as a trans person in IrelandOpens in new window ]
According to Moninne Griffith, chief executive of national LGBTQ+ youth organisation Belong To, many parents worry about what neighbours or family members might think when their child comes out. Although these feelings are natural, she says it’s important to discuss complex feelings with them. “You can discuss your feelings with them, let them know how you’re processing this,” she says. “But be there for them, reassuring them that they are loved no matter what. That is the single most important thing that they need to know from their parent or caregiver.”
Orla Sharp, a Dublin woman and mother of 16-year-old Erin, says it came as no surprise to her when her daughter courageously told her she was lesbian in 2019. “We were living abroad at the time, and when she came out, we knew she was gay – and even definitely a couple years before that. But when she came out, she just said to me: ‘Mom, I have something really important to tell you. I think I’m gay. I’m lesbian’.
“Watching her grow up as her mother and seeing her looking at TV and turning around telling me things like, ‘why is it only the boy and a girl who kiss each other on TV?’ or even cartoons,” explains Sharp about why she was not shocked. “She didn’t even know what she was saying at the time. But, clearly, she was talking about representation. Clearly, she was talking about something that she felt wasn’t being represented on TV.”
The mother of two, who took Erin to her first Pride parade in Berlin at the age of 12, says a large part of why she didn’t approach Erin about her sexuality, despite her suspicions, was because she believes a person’s character takes precedence over anything else. “I didn’t approach her on any of these things, because I think you have to teach children to respect and embrace others for who they are, no matter what. Children are more likely to express themselves when they feel accepted.”
[ New York gave me the confidence to come out as a gay manOpens in new window ]
“I mean, she’s a wonderful, intelligent, kind, human, gorgeous girl, who fancies girls – that’s it.”
The open environment Sharp fostered for her children made it less intimidating for Erin to approach her, Sharp says. “Allow them their own space to explore their own identity and, in their own time, they will come out,” she advises parents who suspect their child might be gay. “I’m not an expert. But, in general, don’t be pushing labels on any kids. Don’t be pushing them to do anything they don’t want to do. They will let you know in their own time.”
Advice from counsellor and psychotherapist Jim Hutton
Q: What are some of the things parents should avoid saying to their child about coming out?
A: “I would capture it by saying, mind your language, in general. I’ve had circumstances where I’ve been told that somebody was ready to tell their parents that they were gay, and what stopped them was they were sitting down watching TV, and there was a gay character that came on. There was some disparaging remark passed by the parent casually about the gay character and that shut that connection down as well as the risk for their child – unknown to themselves – because the child perceived that they would be disowned.”
Q: What can parents do to make their child feel accepted?
A: “First of all, to be a mirror of acceptance yourself. Say, ‘well, how did I respond to my child?’ Even in the initial reaction. ‘Did my shock come across as though I don’t want it, or did it come across as I didn’t expect that?’ Ask: ‘Can I just process that? Can we talk about this? Can we give it the time it deserves?’ It’s about how you are modelling acceptance for the child”
Q: What would you say to families who are struggling to understand their relative’s coming out journey?
A: “What I would say is to involve that person and to ask them their opinion and involve them in the discussion too. When we talk about gender journey, it’s not just the person who has this journey that is actually in the body of that gender. It is the entire family; your friends, your relatives, your colleagues, your work. There’s a whole plethora of people – anybody you’re in contact with. If it’s a gender journey, there’s going to be a significant change in how you are and how they see you and prejudices might come in.”
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