Phillip Schofield’s desert-island pity party reaches its apotheosis in the final episode of Cast Away (Channel 5, 9pm), a reality series in which the ex-ITV This Morning presenter spends 10 days on a desert island whinging about getting the sack from his former job.
He talks about wanting to empty the “toxicity tank” – but it remains full to the brim throughout. In Monday night’s first instalment, he appeared to mock former colleague Holly Willoughby’s notorious “Are you okay?” introduction, in which she discussed Schofield’s exit from This Morning after he confessed to an “unwise but not illegal” relationship with a junior employee.
Then, in the second episode, he aimed his ire at “three s***” he claimed had done him in, career-wise. He also asserted he was a victim of homophobia, claiming large age gaps were not uncommon in gay relationships and that, had he been a man sleeping with a much younger woman, the response would have been “pat on the back, mate”. He was so bitter you could almost see the coconuts recoiling.
He has another rant saved for part three, when he is supposed to be honing his survival skills while marooned on an island off Madagascar in the Indian Ocean. Seated on the beach, with a blue sky above, he accuses ITV of sacking him because they feared reputational damage after his brother was convicted in April 2023 of child abuse.
“Even though they knew all of the facts the papers painted me out to be some sort of complicit agent,” he said. “That was when my world started to collapse. My poor mum, [I] had to tell her about that member of the family. To break that to your mother is tough.”
Schofield is determined to hold everyone accountable – apart from himself – and displays no remorse for his “unwise” relationship and its impact on the young man and his own family. The Alan Partridge-levels of lack of self-awareness are made clear later when he observes that: “All you can do is make the best of what you have and there is absolutely no point in crying about the past.” It’s a good point – but not when you’ve spent the past week crying about the past.
He has a surprise on his final night on the island – a fire into which he chucks the names of his enemies. “Over the course of my 10 days I have written down all the things and all the people who were and are toxic in my life.”
Then, a final splutter-in-your-drink moment as he whips off his trousers and runs naked into the sea. He seems to regard the skinny dip as an opportunity for cleansing and renewal. But what he really looks like is someone running away from reality and unwilling to come to terms with the personal responsibility they have for their downfall.
