The spirit of thieving is in the air, gently reminding all that Christmas is the most wonderful time to swipe gear. Bill Murray's proposed pinching of Wu Tang Clan's one-of-a-kind record was the order of the day last week. The walking representative of big pharma Martin Skreli bought the only print of Wu Tang's Once Upon A Time in Shaolin at auction, presumably with all the clams he raked in from hiking the price of an essential Aids medicine by 5,000 per cent .

In the wake of his purchase, a contract was circulated featuring top-class legalese. It permitted either the clan "and/or actor Bill Murray" to legally "plan and attempt to execute one (1) heist or caper to steal back Once Upon Upon A Time In Shaolin". If Robin Hood could exist in the modern day, everyone would want him in the form of Bill Murray.

Unfortunately the prospect of a big fat escapade in which Murray and the clan overcome all obstacles to save the day was ruined by the non-existence of the clause. It instead transpired that some lad drafted and scanned a page of text and tweeted it. Typical media, not triangulating sources [citation needed].

Guitarist for The Strokes Albert Hammond Jr, though, has been much more proactive. He caught a man swiping his wife's wallet this week and he outright decked him. Some CCTV footage of the attempt shows a heap of people getting into a scuffle not dissimilar to a cartoon dust ball of fighting bodies that emits occasional ricochet sounds. He got his wife's stuff back, while instilling the Fear of God in all.