Upcoming film The Foreigner sees Jackie Chan take revenge on Irish terrorists who are responsible for the death of his daughter. Pierce Brosnan plays the definitely-not-based-on-Gerry-Adams character of Liam Hennessy, a government official and former IRA member. The Foreigner was already a perfect Steven Seagal movie, so we've decided to rename the film Jackie Chan v The IRA (or potentially Jackie's Army). And we've reworked the first page of the script to move it from the actual film's setting (London), to a much more local spot (Dublin).
FADE IN. EXT SINN FÉIN SHOP, PARNELL SQUARE – NIGHT
In Dublin's gritty north inner city, a neon map of Ireland flickers in the window.
INT SINN FÉIN SHOP
LIAM, a grey-bearded Belfast man who is definitely not based on Gerry Adams looks up from his iPhone.
LIAM
The 1977 filter on my Instagram isn't working, and I want to post this picture of me with a lemur on my head.
SAOIRSE, a flame-haired young woman, readjusts her replica Cumann Na mBan badge to cover the Jack Wills logo on her polo shirt.
SAOIRSE
Sure you don't want to go back to 1977, Liam?
Laughter.
LIAM
It wasn't the worst year, Saoirse a stór . . . not that I'd know anything about that.
The door buzzer BUZZES. Saoirse presses the intercom.
SAOIRSE
Sorry, we're closed.
VOICE
(through the intercom) I'm looking beat for Liam Hennessy.
LIAM stands up, hurriedly gathering his belongings off the TABLE he was sitting at and shoving them into his BAG.
LIAM
If it's Mary Lou tell her I'm at a children's party. On a bouncy castle or something. Or at a petting zoo.
SAOIRSE
I'm afraid Mr Hennessy isn't here right now, and I'm about to lock up.
QUAN, an ageing Hong Kong man with a stricken look on his face, crashes through the WINDOW, the toe of his shoe stuck in the neon loop that forms LOUGH NEAGH.
QUAN
I guess I'll have to let myself in then.
