Q: My husband and I are expecting a new baby. Our other child is three and is loving being the only focus. How do I gently break the news to him that there’s a baby on the way?
A: First off, congratulations! Bringing a new life into the world is an exciting and daunting time for so many reasons. As you know from your first time experiencing it, it completely changes your life and your priorities and that's when you don't have anyone else to focus on! This time around, however, you need to think about how it's going to change your first-born's life and how to make the transition as easy as possible.
In my opinion, there’s no such thing as starting to get the idea planted in their heads too early. Needless to say, when you start telling him there’s a baby in Mummy’s tummy (or a baby on the way if you’re going with another route) this will go completely over their heads.
If there’s one thing that babies have a hard time grasping, it’s object permanence. At least at the start, telling them about the baby will essentially serve no purpose other than creating a cute moment where they look confused as you point to a belly and try to convince them that you haven’t, in fact, eaten their new brother or sister.
What you can do is start introducing the idea of sharing Mummy and Daddy with someone new who also lives with you. Sharing is one of those fundamental concepts which all children will eventually learn so this is a great time to really hammer the idea home, without even having to bring up babies in the conversation.
Books like The Squirrels Who Squabbled by Rachel Bright and and Jim Field teach kids about how caring and working together can mean everyone gets to be happy, as well as being a fun and exciting story. Meanwhile, any excuse to pick up a book by Jon Klassen is always a good one. We Found a Hat is a deceptively simple tale about two two turtles who both look similarly dashing in a new hat but aren't gone on the idea of sharing it.
Next, you can start introducing the concept of new babies arriving, but once again it might be safer to do it indirectly. As with any concept which will affect a small child in real life, starting with a book where the event happens to animals allows them a degree of separation and comfort. They don’t know it but after the idea of a new baby is introduced indirectly, when you come out with your news they will have a frame of reference to draw from and the idea might stick a bit better!
Returning to Jim Field's illustrations again, Oi Puppies, the newest instalment of the Oi franchise written by Kes Grey is an adorable place to start (and a slippery slope until you find yourself buying the whole series) and The Dinkey Donkey, the sequel to the viral sensation The Wonkey Donkey by Craig Smith and Katz Cowley, will have you on the floor laughing! Of course, this advice works with any book while focusing on baby animals but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to rave about my favourite ones!
And then we need to move on to the big guns. What are the best books to read to ensure the little one really knows what's going to happen? In a lot of cases the classics still remain the best. You can go the technical route with There's a House Inside Mummy's Tummy by Giles Andreae and illustrated by Vanessa Cabban, which is a sweet and straight to the point story about waiting for the new baby to arrive, as well as The New Baby, a staple from the Usborne First Experiences series.
Pretty much every brand character has a book about a new baby so it can be comforting to use a figure your little one already knows to make the concept more familiar. Spot's Baby Sister is a great example because it combines a fun lift-the-flap element with the important story to keep the child engaged.
It can also help to focus on the children's new role as a big brother or sister, turning what could be seen as a scary change of their surroundings into a positive experience that they are actively involved in. Princess Polly and Pirate Pete are great series for introducing loads of new experiences and the addition of a noisy button will be sure to keep little hands busy.
When the baby does eventually arrive, you might find that your child is having trouble adjusting. Thankfully, there are plenty of books ready to help you show that their feelings are valid and to help you start working through them together.
With you and your partner (and all of the visitors you're sure to have) focused on the new arrival, it's important that your first child knows they are not forgotten but that the new baby needs more attention to make sure they are safe. All at Sea by Gerry Byrne and Faye Hanson is a sweet and effective story about a young child feeling lost when the new baby comes home. It's so important that your child knows that they are allowed to be unsure and confused when the baby arrives. That way you can alleviate those fears before they start manifesting themselves as more serious behavioural issues.
At the end of that day, what your family is going through should be a happy and truly exciting time for all of you. Speaking from experience, growing up with siblings can be the bane of a young person's existence but at the same time it is one of the most powerful bonds people can have. Starting that relationship on the right foot is so important and making the transition into your new family structure is a challenge worth facing with the best tools possible. Hopefully some of these recommendations help and best of luck!
Lorraine Levis is an ex-bookseller, children's book expert and enthusiast. Her debut nonfiction book, Once Upon a Reader, is publishing with Currach Press this autumn. She is a children's sales executive for Penguin Random House
