The invitation came with instructions for how to prepare for the party, themed on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, which classifies everyone as one of 16 four-letter types. Invented after the second World War when it was used by recruiters for office jobs, it had a resurgence in South Korea a few years ago and now it’s inescapable in China.
The invitation included a link to the test, telling us to reply with our four-letter type, which would be printed on a badge to be worn during the party. Depending on our type, we had to wear a specific colour, usually purple or green, and the host told anyone who protested that they might as well stay at home.
It turned out that he and I have the same personality type and I asked him if he knew anyone else who shared it.
“Mao Zedong and Celine Dion. And Satan,” he said.
Kamala Harris’s speech of condemnation and Trump’s of braggadocio underscore where US is at after first 100 days
VE Day: Victory in Europe, angst in Britain
Australia’s almost sure-footed Labor PM polling ahead of Liberal rival as election looms
My personality type, he told me, is shared with Mao Zedong, Celine Dion and Satan
The party started slowly with half of the guests clustered on the floor looking anxious and avoiding eye contact while the others all seemed to know one another. Then a soprano sang two songs by Rachmaninov, making some of the extroverts cry, and the host performed a scene from The Peach Blossom Fan, a late 17th century kunqu opera.
After that, the guests in purple posed for one picture and those in green sat for another and the host invited everyone to try on some of his hanfu, traditional Chinese costumes. All the earlier awkwardness was gone and the shyest of the guests were chatting, flirting and exchanging WeChat IDs.
One figure remained remote throughout the party, the host’s best friend and college roommate Tao, who was making his first social appearance since becoming a father a few months ago. His wife was at home with their baby daughter and with Tao’s mother, who has been staying with them every other month, alternating with his mother-in-law.
A week or so later, the host and I shared a late-night picnic on a bench looking across the water at the Forbidden City. We were alone apart from a few old men fishing for carp and catfish and as we watched them baiting, winding and casting he told me about Tao’s troubled life at home.
A native of Shandong province, the birthplace of Confucius, Tao has always been a dutiful son and his parents manage his life closely, telling him which job to take and guiding him up the career ladder. His wife, like the host, is from the northeastern province of Liaoning where they take a more relaxed approach to life and her mother is supportive and uncritical when she comes to stay.
“The country is too big and we’re too different from each other. If this was Europe, it would be like Italy and the Netherlands,” the host said.
When Tao’s mother is there, she complains relentlessly about his wife’s parenting skills and seldom allows her to leave the flat alone. When Tao comes home from work, often after 10pm, his mother reports on all his wife’s missteps and inadequacies and according to his wife, he often takes his mother’s side.
A couple of weeks ago, Tao’s wife escaped for a walk with the host and poured her heart out, telling him she has never been so unhappy and that she feels that her husband no longer loves her. He scarcely speaks to her and whenever she touches him, he flinches and pulls away.
When she goes back to work next week after maternity leave, her mother-in-law wants to bring the baby into the office during meal breaks so she can continue to breastfeed her. And Tao’s mother has suggested that she will continue to live with them in their one-bedroom flat until the baby is three years old.
The day after the party the host met Tao at the gym and told him that his wife was unhappy and that he should do something about it. Tao said he felt overwhelmed because although they had planned to have a child, the pregnancy was unexpected and he was not ready for the responsibility.
He was working late hours to win a promotion that would allow him to buy a bigger flat but he was afraid that he would be so absent that he wasn’t going to be a good father to his daughter. His parents were putting pressure on him to have a second child in the hope that it would be a boy and when his wife complained to him about his mother, he felt like screaming.
“I told him it was hard for his wife too and he should just give her a hug,” the host said.
“He told me he would. It doesn’t cost anything.”
