Patrick Freyne

Instead he must play a cockney geezer with a penchant for violence but a heart of gold, over and over. He’s good at that, too

Literal fish-out-of-water dramas are short and sadly predictable but here are my figurative favourites

The behavioural-analysis unit all feel like the sort of people who can do accounts. That might be why I default to the A-Team when I try to think about them

I’m pretty sure even Joey Essex doesn’t know he’s on Love Island. He probably thinks he’s just on holiday with his family, the camera equipment

The Acolyte, Disney’s emotionally and visually flat new Star Wars spin-off, needs to stop with all the confusing lightsabre fights

With the return of Bridgerton, here’s a guide to costume drama

Patrick Freyne: Doctor Who allows adults to enjoy swashbuckling adventures without feeling patronised and allows children to access something dark and weird while feeling safe

The Netflix reality show involves glamorous ladies and hunky gentlemen quaffing champagne and talking about their problems at length

Patrick Freyne: On The Piano, she shows why she’s the best light-entertainment presenter. Jon Bon Jovi, on the other hand, is both cheesy and hammy

Patrick Freyne: Britain’s Got Talent is back, its name now less a triumphalist boast than a pleading sales pitch from a waning superpower

Patrick Freyne: Frequently it seems as if those ‘duped’ by Doireann Garrihy, Carl Mullan and Donncha O’Callaghan are playing along, much as you would indulge the tomfoolery of a child

Patrick Freyne: I’m taking the existence of this Netflix gameshow as a sign that the jig is up for the human race

Andrew Scott in Ripley and Donald Glover and Maya Erskine in Mr & Mrs Smith are among the highlights thus far

We meet Lindsay Lohan’s character Maddie on the way to a book launch as her scarf gets shut in the door of a taxi that then zooms off with it

Young Irish people are growing up with an unreasonable sense of confidence. St Patrick’s weekend is an ideal chance to correct the record

Louis Walsh and Sharon Osborne both seem grumpy. They have either been conscripted against their will under new legislation or they’re each here so they can pay an unexpected bill

Patrick Freyne: Why do Formula 1 drivers bother with expensive, uncomfortable cars? I have a cost-effective Nissan Micra that smells of Haribo Supermix

Patrick Freyne: As the singer clambers into her own heart in her musical fantasia, an uncharitable critic might suggest she is climbing up a different body part

Patrick Freyne: On Love Island – All Stars, Adam spends much of his time wearing a hat and tiny pants and little else. It’s a classic Irish look

Patrick Freyne: ‘Have all the money that you want and spend it on what you like,’ the TD would have told the majesterial Lorraine Barry

There are three people in every Room to Improve marriage if you include Dermot Bannon

Patrick Freyne: Disney+ having the beloved Artful Dodger carry out surgery is a wonderfully deranged, and actually pretty Dickensian, choice

Patrick Freyne: Oddly, none of the rebooted show’s contestants says, ‘Well, Bradley, on my days off I like to binge-watch YouTube videos while eating an obscene amount of cheese’

Patrick Freyne: The show, which stars the widest Alan in existence, is the United States’ id as expressed by a malfunctioning AI

Including the communist message of It’s a Wonderful Life, the nihilistic thuggery of Home Alone and the alternative nativity of Batman Returns

An obsessive viewer surveys a year of ups and downs and finds there was an awful lot that was worth watching

Patrick Freyne: Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is zippy, characterful and fun, but I could do better

I’d love to see Diana’s ghost go unseen to a George Michael gig or warn people about Prince Andrew

We rate this season’s advertisements for weepiness, capitalism, gluttony and liturgical correctness

Patrick Freyne: The Buccaneers is about a bunch of wild and crazy girlbosses who like to party, as Edith Wharton no doubt would have described her novel

Patrick Freyne: None of his children have the slack-jawed, sociopathic glares of the children you’re more familiar with, who can typically be found screaming for food while smashing family heirlooms

Some of the young Americans in this reality mash-up are sent to the forest, where they network and hustle and TedTalk their life stories at one another

Patrick Freyne: There’s a bit of fly-on-the-wall family domesticity, but this series is really a brand-consolidating relaunch for the former footballer

Patrick Freyne: The smartest thing George Orwell ever did was to turn his book into a reality TV show

Patrick Freyne: Anna Geary sweeps into the lives of lovelorn farmers being warmly inquisitive. We see a montage in which farmers hold lambs and say things like: ‘My dream is to have two donkeys’

Patrick Freyne: Dáithí Ó Sé and Sinead Kennedy are back on air to tell us everything is fine. Doctors could prescribe this to overstimulated teens or pets

Patrick Freyne: Dan Buettner discovers faraway lands with food safety rules and free healthcare and concludes diet and moderate exercise are the key to longevity

Patrick Freyne: Selling Super Houses and Crazy Rich Agents both feature hope-filled youngsters performing humiliating tasks for business moguls

Patrick Freyne: A year doesn’t pass without a Star War being beamed to our eyeballs. This week, with Ahsoka, it’s Rosario Dawson’s turn

Patrick Freyne: In the reality show Alone, one survivalist wants to ‘see what I’m made of’. Perhaps the bears can help