`Manchester United is a soft option, a big, fat, permissive faith that demands nothing of its followers." (Leeds fan, The Irish Times, November 16th, 1998). Discuss.
(Psst. Invigilator? Bring us out to the toilet, will ya - I'm not feeling well. "You mean you want to get your `Quotes for All Occasions: Pass Your Exam By Conning The Marker Into Thinking You Actually READ Poems and Stuff' book out of the cistern?" Yeah! "C'mon then".)
Right. Ready to go. I leave it to one of my very favourite poets, United die-hard Elizabeth Jennings, to respond to this scurrilous statement: "You say it must be a great comfort to live with such a faith, but you don't know the way I battle on this earth".
Liz, of course, speaks for all United fans, who chuckle heartily at suggestions that life for them is one long easy ride. Yes, these are happy days indeed, but bitter experience has taught the Red Army that guttedness lies just around the corner. ("Guttedness lies just around the corner? That's crap - what illiterate said that," asks the Invigilator, peering over my shoulder. Me. "Oh. Sorry".)
As William Penn, a Red of bygone days, put it: "No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown." Penno could have been referring to United's record in the 1990s alone. In just eight years they have had three league titles whipped from under their noses, by Leeds, Blackburn and Arsenal; they've lost one FA Cup final (to Everton) and two League Cup finals (to Sheffield Wednesday and Aston Villa); they have been humiliated in Europe by Torpedo Moscow, Galatasaray, Fenerbahce and Rotor Volgograd, among others (not to mention that Nou Camp mishap); they've signed donkeys like Ralph Milne, Mike Phelan and Danny Wallace and are now close to being signed themselves by Rupert Murdoch. And they've brought out some of the most truly embarrassing football records of all time. 1993? "United, United, we love you. United, United, we're proud of you. And all the things that you do. You're the best (we're the best), you're a must (we're a must) - we just leave the rest . . . in the dust." A "soft option, a big, fat, permissive faith that demands nothing of its followers"? Yeah right.
But, worst of all, most of the planet celebrates United's misfortunes and laments their triumphs. ("Now you're just being paranoid," says the Invigilator. No - as Henry Kissinger put it on page 241: "Even a paranoid can have enemies").
Anticipating the day when ABUism would spread through these islands, Scottish philosopher David Hume said: "Grief and disappointment give rise to anger, anger to envy, envy to malice, and malice to grief again, till the whole circle be completed". United fans often paraphrase Hume at games these days: "Are you watching, are you watching, are you watching Liverpool?"
John Gay, the much loved English poet, dramatist and United season-ticket holder, concurred with Hume's view when he said: "Fools may our scorn, not envy raise, for envy is a kind of praise". (Back of the net John, back of the net). "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies," agreed smiling fellow K-Stander, Elizabeth Bowen.
Then there was Lucius Accius (died 85 BC - Before Cantona), who was a member of the Roman branch of the Man U Supporting Tragic Playwrights' Association. "Let them hate, so long as they fear," he said. (Invigilator: "Ahem. The idea is not to fill your entire essay with quotes, rather to sprinkle them, sparingly, through the essay to support your own thoughts." Me own wha? "Sigh. Carry on quoting.")
Emily Dickinson, a member of the Very Depressed Red Poet's Society of America, had personal experience of this anti-Man U animosity, when she was abused by Everton fans recently at Goodison Park. "Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed - you're going down with Forest, down with Forest," she countered. "Huh! That's wimin for ya," said an angry Everton-supporting Longford man, Al Reynolds. Burt Ahern sprang to fellow Red Emily's defence. "You're wafflin', you're wafflin'," he shouted, jabbing a finger in Al's face.
And when the enraged Evertonians said they hoped United would be stuffed by Barcelona at the Nou Camp next week, Sir Max Beerbohm replied: "The dullard's envy of brilliant men is always assuaged by the suspicion that they will come to a bad end". Burt laughed. So did Emily. Maybe the first time she ever laughed, but she loved Max's humour. Confucius (Beijing branch) slapped Max on the back and said: "The superior man is satisfied and composed; the mean man is always full of distress." Then Emily, Burt, Max and Confucius headed for the pub, chanting "let's all laugh at Everton, let's all laugh at Everton, la, la, la, oooh, la, la, la". "Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend," shouted Jules Renard (Paris branch), admonishing the quartet for their breezy cockiness. "Whisht," replied Dante (Athens supporters' club), "there is no greater pain than to remember a happy time when one is in misery". "What? You mean there is no greater joy than to remember a miserable time when one is thrashing all around one?" asked Jules.
"Nail on the head Jules, nail on the head," winked Dante. "You're right - you're so **** right it's unbelievable," chanted Jules at Al and his fellow Blues, among them Jane Austen. "One does not love a team the less for having suffered watching it, unless it has all been suffering, nothing but suffering," she said, trying hard to remember a league season that didn't end with a `lose-this-and-we-go-down' game. Jane then turned on Vittorio De Sica (Bologna branch), attacking the Italian film director for United's exploitative merchandising operation. "Moral indignation is in most cases two per cent moral, 48 per cent indignation and 50 per cent envy," he said to Jane. "Go on ya good thing," shouted Dublin Red Dustin the Turkey (still living AD - After Dwight), chuffed with Vittorio's defence of the indefensible. "We're so rich it's unbelievable," chanted the feathered one, as Jane stormed off to write another book that would turn Leaving Cert students off the English language. In conclusion, then, I quote another Red, Bill Wordsworth, to put the Leeds fan firmly in his place (mid-table, just missing out on Europe):
"Nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all the dreary intercourse of daily life, shall e'er prevail against us, or disturb our cheerful faith, that all which we behold is full of blessings, just like a team that's gonna win the European Cup - and league - we shall not be moved".
Invigilator? Finished! Who's marking this anyway? "To quote Thomas Gray, "Alas, regardless of their doom, the little victims play". Pardon? "I understand Professor Desmond Cahill, PhD, AbU, will be looking after your paper." Yikes.
