RTÉ’s annual sports awards, a time for us all to unite and salute our people’s wondrous achievements through the year; a time to take pride in our fellow country men and women’s talents and how they have represented us so majestically on the international stage; a time to marvel at the brilliance of the stars of Gaelic Games; a time for us to unite and celebrate how this little island continues to excel in sport and punch several divisions above its weight; a time to be magnanimous, generous and open-hearted while applauding the victors even when they don’t come from our beloved sporting disciplines. A time to be one.
‘MICHAEL O’NEILL?! FFS RTÉ!!!’
‘DUNDALK? WTF?!’
‘MICHAEL CONLAN? UR HAVIN A LAUGH!!!’
Well, okay, maybe leave out the united, magnanimous bits.
We’re gas, really, we probably treat these things with more fury and intensity than we do, say, the budget or your average general election. In fact, such was the rage on the tweet machine on Saturday night you sensed families would be torn apart in Christmas week simply because, say, the Ma didn’t vote for Conor McGregor, opting for TJ Reid instead.
Just about the only award of the night that didn't split families was Henry Shefflin's admittance to the Hall of Fame, although his former team-mate Richie Hogan, who has only won seven All-Ireland medals, noted ruefully that "Henry hasn't pucked a ball in a year and he's still winning awards".
On to the biggies.
After Martin O’Neill told Darragh Maloney that “a couple of your pundits should be looking for other jobs now because they get it wrong so often”, he became the firm favourite for the manager of the year gong, but backstage Tippex-armed Dunphy and Giles might have got to the envelope first and turned artin into icheal, thus sealing the prize for the Norn Iron man.
That was a bit of an upset, the Good Friday Agreement's ultimate triumph, some argued, others pointing out that seeing off Romania, Hungary, Finland, the Faroe Islands and Greece was in the ha'penny place next to Eamonn Ryan guiding his charges to seeing off all of Ireland for 10 of the last 11 years.
No matter. Up next: Team of the Year. This is when lifelong friendships ended.
Dubs: ‘Has to be us, no contest.’
Kilkenny: ‘Ha ha, that’s funny.’
Hockey: ‘First Irish team to qualify for an Olympic team event since 1948 – it’s us!’
Rugby: ‘If it’s not either the men’s or women’s Six Nations champions, this is a complete charade.’
Dundalk: ‘We won EVERYTHING, team of the year!’
Dubs and Kilkenny and Hockey and Rugby: ‘Dun who?’
Republic of Ireland: ‘Beat the world champions, qualified for Euro 2016, why is there even a vote?’
And the winner is…… Dundalk!
Dubs and Kilkenny and Hockey and Rugby and Republic of Ireland: ‘WTF’
Then lots more rudeness about the League of Ireland, possibly from folk who wear Wes Hoolahan, Shane Long, Seamus Coleman and James McClean replica shirts who think they started life at Livingston, Reading, Everton and Sunderland.
The main event. Sports person of the year. Some of us were too emotionally invested in it being Jonathan Walters, the clincher that clip of him baking a cake for his kids – if you can track back like he does, score seismic goals and bake cakes, then your name should be on the trophy.
Then again, Michael Conlan drove back to Belfast for his tie, so no one could begrudge him his crown. "If I hadn't won it, I'd have been disappointed," he beamed, like only Conlan can.
Not that the Dubs and Kilkenny and Hockey and Rugby and Dundalk heard him, they were still exchanging jabs.
