Cameroon’s timing couldn’t have been better, their first meltdown coming soon after Jonathan Pearce’s mind began wandering due to the tedium of the first half in Valenciennes. Just to pass the time he had started ruminating on first and second World War memorials he had visited in the region, the experiences having such an emotional impact on him he had tried to get into his car “backside first”. That, he admitted, had been a monumental mistake.
By now Sue Smith, his co-commentator, sounded like a woman who wished the French fire service was still trying, but failing, to liberate Jonathan and his derriere from said vehicle, thereby resulting in him missing England’s last 16 game. Instead his backside was plonked on the seat beside her, and his musings were interrupting her efforts to analyse Cameroon’s defensive shape.
But then it all erupted on the pitch just before half time after the VAR-consulting officials decided that Ellen White’s disallowed goal was in fact good, she was onside and even if Nikita Parris wasn’t she was interfering with play as much as ourselves on the couch: divil a bit. 2-0 to England.
Cameroon lost their minds, as did Jonathan when it appeared for a little bit that they would refuse to resume the game. His condemnation of their behaviour was so emotional if there had been a car in the commentary position he would have tried to reverse his bottom through its door all over again.
Aghast
The Gabby Logan-chaired BBC panel was no less aghast come half-time, the eye-rolling aplenty when Cameroon’s behaviour was discussed, not least when clips of Yvonne Leuko elbowing Parris and Augustine Ejangue spitting on Toni Duggan’s arm were replayed.
Lest we be offended by the sight, the BBC kind of hilariously pixelated Ejangue’s phlegmy projectile, Gabby opting to grant her the benefit of the doubt by wondering aloud if she was just trying to clear her throat at a moment when Duggan’s arm just happened to get in the way. Jordan Nobbs, Alex Scott and Dion Dublin’s six eyebrows wiggled as one.
Second half. What the game didn’t need was a Cameroon goal disallowed by VAR-consulting officials. Soon after Ajara Nchout’s goal was disallowed by VAR-consulting officials.
Another meltdown, Jonathan scraping his memory for behaviour so appalling, coming up with that time in 1982 when Sheikh Fahad Al-Ahmed Al-Jaber Al-Sabah stormed a World Cup pitch and urged his Kuwaiti brethren to depart it after a dodgy French goal was allowed. Sue, two at the time, had quite literally no clue what he was harping on about.
It was calm enough after that apart from the ref being too fearful to give England a deserved penalty and deliver a deserved red card to Alexandra Takounda for nigh on sending Steph Houghton’s ankle into the middle of next week.
Role models
The only worry at this point was that the post-match chat would reference the onus on these players to be role models and the fact that young impressionable girls were watching it all.
Post-match chat: Well, generally, it referenced the onus on these players to be role models and the fact that young impressionable girls were watching it all.
“This is going out worldwide,” Phil Neville said to the Beeb’s Jo Currie. “Young girls are watching that. I can’t stand here and say that’s right. There’s a certain standard of behaviour.”
As Pat Spillane said of Meath on Sunday, “God save us”.
Cameroon felt aggrieved, they reckoned the folk operating the VAR thingie screwed them over. They didn’t as marginal as the decisions might have been they were all correct.
And Cameroon should have had three players sent off for elbowing, spitting and ankle-busting, so they should be totting up their lucky stars.
But this was the game of their lives, and for some of them it was a chance to showcase themselves and earn contracts that would change those lives. So if they were a little hot-blooded during those heated moments, that’s humans for ya.
Emotions
“This is about legacy,” said a dismayed Gabby, who appeared to feel Cameroon had damaged the notion that the women’s game is the sanitised, genteel version of the game the lads play. God save us, indeed. What, in fact, we learnt is that when emotions run high, and when they’re stuffed with perceived grievances, girls can behave just as badly as boys.
Cameroon won’t go down in infamy, they’ll just be the team that relegated the mighty Saturday game between Norway and Australia to an afterthought because they behaved so badly they’ll annex the headlines.
Worry not about the young impressionable girls who watched it all. Cameroon are on a flight home as we speak. England, who kept their cool, advance. That’s the only lesson the childer need.
