Alex Ferguson: "Hello, could I speak to Glenn Hoddle please?"

Glenn Hoddle: " 'Ello?"

Alex: "Hello Glenn, Alex Ferguson here."

Glenn: " 'Ello toe-rag."

Alex: "Nah need for that kina talk, ye Cockney twat ye. Now, tell me, why di ye drop ma boy Beckham?"

Glenn: "Because he wasn't mentally right, Alix."

Alex: "Yer talking crap man, total crap - why di ye think he was nae right in the head?"

Glenn: "Because my faith healer Eileen sawer it in the tea-leaves of our coach driver Henri's crystal ball during our seance the other night, right after our prayer meeting. And then Yuri Geller confirmed it for me after reading the palm of a Himalayan witch doctor. Need I go on, Alix? I rest my case."

Alex: "Yer a HEAD case Hoddle, yer absolully gone in the head."

Glenn: "Sorry Alix, 'ave to go, my spaceship 'as arrived to take me to Planet Ga Ga."

Alex: "Best place for ya, nutter."

Glenn And Roy

Roy Evans: "Hello, could I speak to Glenn Hoddle please?"

Glenn: " 'Ello?"

Roy: "Hello Glenn, Roy Evans here."

Glenn: "Good 'evans, ha, ha."

Roy: "Blimey, that's the closest you've ever got to a sense of humour, you big Scally."

Glenn: "Okay Scouser, what can I do to 'elp?"

Roy: "You can pick the lad Owen for a start, ya great divvy."

Glenn: "But he's not a natural goalscorer, you Scouse git."

Roy: "I KNOW! It's unnatural the way he scores every time he's on the pitch."

Glenn: "Precisely, I'm not 'aving any distortion of nature in my side - that's why I dropped Gazza."