Day Six. You have to feel sorry for nonfootball fans these days, don't you? No? Me neither (sickos), but all the same, when I accidentally switched on to the Stella Artois Tennis Championships on BBC2 on Wednesday it occurred to me that there is no escaping the football tournament currently being hosted by HollBelg, no matter how hard you try.
There was Sue Barker, minding her own business, out of her BBC presentation box for a breath of fresh air, going for a stroll across centre court, when who should she bump in to but Karl-Heinz Rummenigge.
"Who," Ireland's under-20-year-olds ask. "Well, he was a nifty goalscorer in his time for West Germany," respond those of us who now spend seven-eighths of our annual income on anti-wrinkle cream. "West Germany? Did the East have bad breath or something," they ask. Sigh. Definition of getting old? What you and me regard as `current affairs' are regarded as `history' by the Britney-Spears-is-ace brigade.
Anyway, I can't tell you why Rummie was at Queen's Club (largely because I tuned in too late to hear his justification for being at the 'uggh . . . grass . . . better get used to it seeing as Wimbledon's `round the corner' tournament) but I can tell you that Sue nabbed him in a slightly frenzied fashion, so excited was she to find someone who could talk to her about events in HollBelg, rather than Timmy Henperson's early Stella exit.
Now, it seemed to me that Sue shared my `Lay off Lothar' passion, and may, if pushed, have even signed my `Free the Matthaus One' petition. See, the media is now colonised by bright young under-39-year-old things who have no respect whatsoever for the German `sweeper' (stop gigglin' at the back).
"The problem is not his age, he was injured so he's not 100 per cent," said Rummie, in defence of Loth and his non-performance against Romania. In truth, we reckon he was 110 per cent fit, but about 1.9 per cent able to play international football at this level at this late stage of his life - but damn it, we'll never admit it publicly.
Buoyed by the hope that Loth would be marking speedy Mike Owen on Saturday Sue felt able to re-open old wounds and ask Rummie about past England v Germany clashes. "Ah yes, I remember one game we played here in 1983, winning 2-1 at Wembley, and I scored both goals - and I have a big and huge photo at home about this," he said. "Kocky, Konceited, Kraut Kon-man," Sue muttered to herself. "Delighted you have such happy England v Germany memories," she said out loud. Rummie beamed. Sue thought about backhanding a rasping volley up his derriere, but she resisted.
Meanwhile, over on ITV, Bobby `who am I, where am I, why am I here' Robson was getting a bit emotional about the abuse handed out to David Beckham by a few Essex men after the Portugal game. "It's a small minority who are uneducated, unintelligent and maybe, quite frankly, slobs," he said. Beside Bobby, as opposed to Bob, Barry "Wimbledon are on the crest of an absolutely massive slump" Venison was asking himself, "why is Robbo complimenting these Essex boys in such a lustrous fashion after the horrible things they said to Becks".
Sweden v Turkey. "They looked a bit gobbly against Italy," said ITV, hum expert, John Gregory of Turkey. Ally McCoist looked gutted - after all, there's only room for one Jimmy Tarbuck on each Euro 2000 pundit panel. Half-time. 0-0. Network Two? "You described Sweden as disgraceful last time, have they improved," asked Billo Herlihy of Johnny Gilesie. "No," said Gilesie, in a word. C'mon Gilesie, get off the fence, would ya? Full-time? 0-0. And Gilesie's face said: "any more of this rubbish and I'm off to Majorca". Can we come with ya, Gilesie?
