"So, how long are you staying in Milton Keynes?" asks Mr Smarty Pants taxi driver from Luton. "Twelve days," I say, defiantly, like it's not a day too many. "Jeeesus," he says, swerving to avoid a lorry. "Will they let you out early if you behave?" he asks, his shoulders vibrating with hilarity. "Why Milton Keynes any way?" he asks.

A good question, that. One I've been asking myself, somewhat bitterly, since it was first announced as the venue for the women's hockey Olympic Qualifying tournament. The bitterness heightened, a tad, by news that the men's tournament was being hosted by Japan.

There was a chance of a glorious reprieve last August at the European Championships in Germany. If England had won the tournament I'd be in Barcelona now. Yeah, Barcelona. But they didn't, so I'm in Milton Keynes.

You know who's to blame for me being here? The football powers to be, that's who. Back in the good old 1980s clubs like Luton and Preston dug up their grass pitches, replaced them with plastic and allowed English hockey to stage major games on them. But then the football people decided to ban the plastic - mainly because "Give him a ball and a yard of astroturf" had no ring about it - and English hockey was homeless.

As luck would have it, Milton Keynes had 20 spare acres in its city centre which had been earmarked for a sports stadium. Inexplicably though, none of the major sports wanted to re-locate to the spiritual home of concrete, roundabouts and DIY centres.

"Yoo hoo, how about us - we need a stadium," said English hockey, to which Milton Keynes replied, "go on then - you'll do". Not only that, the town council handed over the 20 acres to the English Hockey Association for a nominal fee and they, needing only 14 acres, promptly sold off the remaining six to the likes of McDonalds and Burger King.

Voila! The sales netted Stg£5.5 million, the Sports Council chipped in with another £1.5 million, a grant matched by the Foundation for Sport and the Arts, and the entire project was funded, nearly, (the EHA was asked to raise £500,000 itself - after an appeal to clubs and players they counted £50,000 in their collection tins).

The EHA though, got a little carried away with itself at that point, announcing plans for a 10,000 seater stadium. "Ah lads, get a grip," said the sensible dissenting voices, politely pointing out that there was as much chance of 10,000 people attending a hockey match in England as there was of me coming back to Milton Keynes for my summer holidays.

So, the plans were re-drawn and they settled on building a 4,000-seater stadium back in 1995. Admittedly that's still 3,984 above the average attendance at a hockey match in England by all accounts, but they could hardly build a 16-seater stadium, could they?

"Millstone Keynes" the venue was named by those who couldn't quite see how a sport hardly able to afford oranges for its players at half-time could justify the expense of such a project. But attempts to keep up with running costs have been made through renting offices at the stadium and hiring it out to concert promoters and other sports, such as American football.

Hosting the Olympic Qualifier, though, will prove a costly exercise, costlier still after the BBC's decision not to cover the tournament, thereby ending hopes of attracting the levels of sponsorship necessary to pay the bills. It was a strange enough decision considering, these days, if you sprint down to the shop for a pint of milk there's a fair chance you'll see highlights of your run on Grandstand, now that Sky buy up everything watchable. Eurosport, at least, will squeeze in highlights of the tournament between their coverage of Sumo wrestling and tractor pulling. Still, the EHA expect to be in debt by the time the bunting is taken down after the final.

"The nice lady on the phone said the hotel was only a five minute walk from the stadium," I said to Smarty Pants. "It's okay, I know where it is," he said, speeding past the stadium and dropping me at the hotel 15 minutes later.

"Do I look like Wonder Woman?" I wanted to ask the receptionist, but I resisted. "A taxi will have you there in five minutes," she said, "and it'll only cost a pound."

Anyway, the skies are grey over Milton Keynes as we speak but that might just be the reflection of the town. It's everything Smarty Pants warned me it would be. "It's very easy to get lost," he said, "because everything looks the same." I didn't believe him because I'd heard of Milton Keynes's fool-proof grid system, designed for people with no sense of direction. I left the hotel for a potter 'round this afternoon and arrived back at the front door three minutes later.

But, at least, after a hard day's hockey there's lots to do here. Spoiled for choice. For example tonight, after Ireland beat India in their first match, I can celebrate by going to see Bruce Davies (Finest Voice in Fife) at the Cock Hotel in Stony Stratford or Sad But True (a Metallica tribute band) at the Woughton Centre. Or there's a talk on "The Campaign for Dark Skies" in Bletchley or another talk on "The Ups and Downs For Working Boats in Belgium" in Stoke Hammond (admission free).

Wish you were here, eh? Hope the hockey's good.