WHY are we here? Who buys Charlie Landsborough records? Why would any one choose to be a goalkeeper? The three big questions that keep some of us awake at night.
With a bit of thought the first two can be answered ("Where else would we be" and "Don't ask") but the mystery surrounding the third just deepened further in the course of the All Ireland Club Football final at Croke Park on St Patrick's Day.
Why the Knockmore goalkeeper (who shall be known here as Goalkeeper X - he's suffered enough already) risked ruining his life by opting to wear the number one jersey on his afternoons off we will never know.
Some players choose to play on the wing in their given sport but the worst that will ever happen to them is that they'll never see the ball (ask Simon Geoghegan). Others, like Savo Milosevic, play up front and miss open goals but they'll usually get another chance. But goalkeepers? They never get a second chance. Ask Goalkeeper X.
In only the seventh minute of the club final Crossmaglen Rangers' Oisin McConville, standing so far from goal he was almost in O'Connell Street, sent a hopeful punt sky wards. Later that afternoon the ball re entered the earth's atmosphere. Goalkeeper X got himself into position.
"This is one to test out any goalkeeper," said commentator Marty Morrissey but Goalkeeper X had the situation under control. He stuck his hands up in the air, waited for the ball to land in his gloves, but at the last millisecond the wind went "whoosh" and the ball flew through his fingertips, into the net and that was his St Patrick's Day ruined.
"HE MISSED IT. He misjudged it completely. Oh, disaster for Knockmore," shrieked insensitive Marty who has obviously never goalkept in his life. "But it's probably what the game needed," he added a little remorsefully. Well it sure as hell wasn't what Goalkeeper needed.
Mayo manager John Maughan was a teeny bit more sympathetic than Marty when he spoke to Michael Lyster about the incident at half time. "Goalkeeper X will certainly have nightmares about that. From his point of view he may be a little bit sorry to see the replay of that particular goal but, having said that, there's a significant breeze out there," he said with a bit of compassion.
But fair play to him, our hero didn't chuck his gloves on the ground and say, "life's too short to be a goalkeeper". He stayed between the sticks and soldiered on but, despite his best efforts, could do nothing to prevent Crossmaglen Rangers (the only GAA club whose pitch doubles as a helicopter pad) marching on to victory.
Goalkeeper X could do worse than to have a chat with Paddy Cullen. Despite performing heroics in goal for the Dubs for years and years and years Paddy will always be reminded (when he visits any of the Kerryman didn't have the patience to wait for him to bet back on his goal line and duly chipped the ball over his head, into the net, from a free kick.
We saw Paddy on a happier day on TnaG's All Ireland Gold last Thursday which replayed the 1976 All Ireland final between Dublin and Kerry. Well, there was actually another team, all in black, on the field for most of the match by the name of St John's Ambulance who, at times, must have felt they were at the Battle of the Somme (although there was probably less blood and fewer casualties there).
"Bobby Bites Yer Legs" said one banner but, judging by the size of the bandage Bobby Doyle's right leg acquired during the match (from his belly button to his ankle), it looked as though he had been bitten by an underfed Rottweiler. Then there was the Kerry player who almost had his head removed from his neck by a passing Dublin elbow. And then there was Tony Hanahoe's right eye which almost became his left eye during the first half before he, and his heavily bandaged head, limped off the field.
Then there was the stamping incident that nobody, least of all the stamped on player, seemed to find objectionable. All of which must have brought a wry smile to the faces, if they were watching, of the 15 Meath and Mayo players suspended after last year's All Ireland final replay. Liam McHale and Colm Coyle, sent off in that match, would probably have received fair play awards at the end of the 1976 final.
"We've had an epidemic of that this year," said commentator Micheal O'Hehir as he witnessed the 1976 elbowing incident. But. "It was a very hard game, a good sporting game and a good day again for the Gaelic Athletic Association," said the GAA president before he presented Sam Maguire to Hanahoe who, by now, couldn't see out of his right eye.
No sendings off, no inquiries, no fuss, nothing. They all hugged and shook hands at the end of the match, returned each other's limbs and got together for a do that night. God they were tough men in 1976.
The football? Pretty darn good too but the commentary was even better. "The game's got kind of scrappy in the last five minutes or so and just to show how scrappy it is that kick of Gay O'Driscoll's has gone out over the line without anyone getting within an asses roar of it," complained O'Hehir who, one suspects, would never have got a job on Sky Sports (to his credit).
There's a fair chance Mike Reed will struggle to get another refereeing job in his lifetime after his decision to award Chelsea a dodgy penalty in the fifth round FA Cup replay against Leicester a month ago.
Most Leicester fans are slowly, but surely, coming to terms with the injustice but not Tommy Tyrell. Tommy appeared on Pat Kenny's show on Saturday to reveal that he is suing the English FA for compensation because he says he is suffering from PPTD - post penalty traumatic distress. (In fact, so distressed was Tommy by Mike's award of the penalty that he had to take two days off work).
Now if Tommy's having a bit of a chuckle about all of this it seems the FA are taking it rather seriously - so much so they got their solicitors (whose only other clients are the Royal Family) to send him a three page letter outlining why they wouldn't be paying up.
"It is not admitted by the FA that the plaintiff attended the match," said point one of the letter. "It is denied that the referee owed a duty of care to persons attending the game as spectators as alleged in any event it is not admitted that any trauma or shock or distress was suffered by the plaintiff."
God, lighten up lads. (May be Goalkeeper X should think about suing the GAA for post very difficult to judge punt in the wind traumatic distress.)
