WHEN YOU receive inside information, from a reliable source Down Under, telling you that Oscar Schindler is a dead cert to win the Melbourne Cup you do strange things like getting up in the middle of a Monday night to watch live horse racing on Sky Sports.
"He makes every other horse in the race look like a Shetland Pony and the ground's all soggy just like Kildare in November," reveals your source so you confidently head straight for the nearest bookie with your life savings.
"So that's £23.47 at 4-1," says your friendly turf accountant. "Each way," he asks. "Hmph," you reply indignantly. "Tis all or nothing then," he says and as he smiles at you you notice a mouthful of gold teeth.
At four in the morning it's time to join Sky Sports' Rupert Bell for the build-up to the big race. "Oscar's a star and he knows it. He's a huge horse - the Australians were in rhapsodies over the muscles on his hind quarters," says studio guest Rob Hartnett, Coral's PR director. "Yes," says Rupert, "now it's time to join our colleagues at Channel 10 in Flemington Park - enjoy the race.
"Hello everybody and welcome to Melbourne, home of the biggest event on the Australian racing calendar," says Channel 10's Tim Webster. "Now, with the horses circling the birdcage and just minutes left before the race the huge crowd here at Flemington is waiting to salute the one that can fly highest of Ball."
While wondering what the horses are doing circling a birdcage we get to see lots of shots of big hats and big hair on Australia's beautiful people and we also get a look at the "three-handled loving cup", as the presenter describes the soon to be Kildare-bound Melbourne Cup.
Then we are given our first glimpse of Oscar as he struts his impressive stuff in the ring. "Feast your eyes on this magnificent beast, Oscar Schindler - the horse that all of Australia now knows as Oscar, drools Peter Donegan, another member of the Channel 10 team. We also get to see the other Cup contenders, including a scutty little donkey by the name of Saintly, prompting us to take out a calculator to multiply 23.47 by four.
There's some alarm when we are told that the ground isn't soggy at all - in fact it's like concrete and most un-Kildare-in-November-like. Still, Oscar's huge, he can handle anything. It's race time and we join commentator Dan Mielicki. Off they go. Schindler allowed to drift back a little bit early," says a surprised Dan. Tactics Dan, tactics. "Oscar Schindler's struggling," he adds. Tactics, Dan? Three minutes, 3,200 metres and your life savings later Saintly passes the winning post first and, oh, after a while, Oscar and his big muscley hind quarters finally appear over the horizon.
Enter Johnny Letts. Johnny is the man who pursues the Melbourne Cup winner on horseback after the race and, while bobbing along merrily, interviews the victorious jockey. "What a great ride mate," says Johnny to Saintly's jockey Darren Beadman. "Yeah, he travelled so kind the whole journey, he's just a wizard. I just can't describe how I feel, I just give all the glory to God," says a breathless Darren.
"They said he wasn't bred to stay but he doesn't know who his parents are," adds an insensitive Johnny. Saintly was entitled to be upset with Johnny at this point but he wasn't, he'd won the Melbourne Cup and nothing was going to spoil his day. Nothing was going to spoil trainer Bart Cummings' day either because Saintly was his 10th Melbourne Cup winner. Bart is close to tears," said Tim Webster. He wasn't the only one as one betting slip landed in the bin.
Richard Keys was another man close to tears on Saturday when the crowd at the Nynex Arena began chanting "what a waste of money" at the end of Sky Sports' hugley hyped Judgement Night.
"The biggest night in boxing history," Richard had promised us at the start of the evening's viewing but then Richard, more commonly Sky's football presenter, is always promising what he can't really deliver. "Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for lift off," he has been wont to say in the past ahead of a first round Zenith Data Systems Cup tie between Rochdale and Barnet.
"I got the feeling we were conned by that," said Nicky Piper, one of Judgement Night's studio guests, after Nigel Benn's corner pulled him out of his fight with Steve Collins after six rounds. "I HAVE TO INTERRUPT YOU THERE," interrupted Richard who was reluctant to allow Piper continue with his less than glowing assessment of the night's big contest.
If the crowd in the arena, who had paid between £20 and £200 for their tickets, felt a little hard done by they would have regarded the entertainment at the previous night's weigh-in (live on Sky of course) as much better value for money.
From the moment Prince Naseem Hamed entered the arena for his turn on the scales there commenced a contest between himself and a Wayne McCullough fan in the crowd that lasted five times as long as his fight on Saturday night.
"I'm gonna get you second round baby, second round, I don't want you to blink now," said Naz to a bemused Remigio Molina, his Argentinian opponent. "Wait till McCullough gets ya," came the distinctively Dublin voice from the crowd. Naz heard the comment but pretended he didn't. Our Dub wasn't finished. "You're avoiding McCullough, you're afraid of him," he shouted.
Naz had had enough. "Shut up. D'you wanna buy a carpet, you knacker," was his curious response as he left the ring. But our Dub, Naz's toughest opponent yet, was determined to have the last word and reminded the boxer of his less than impressive performance in his last fight in Dublin. "What about the Point Depot? You were shite," she said as a disgruntled Naz disappeared in to the dark.
Also weighing in on Friday were Manchester's Ensley Bingham and American Ronald Wright who, we were told, is so close to his trainer Mike Birmingham that Mike attended the birth of Ronald's son. Mmm.
Anyway the two boxers made up what was probably Judgement. Night's least hyped and least glamorous contest - but the pair culdn't really complain about their lack of media coverage. Why? Well, their respective nicknames are Winky and Bingo and Winky v Bingo just doesn't have the same ring about it as The Celtic Warrior v The Dark Destroyer, does it?
