Twelve tries, 82 points? You’d settle for that. In fact, so impressed was Virgin Media’s audience by the throttling of Romania, 72 per cent of them concluded after the game that Ireland were going to win the entire Rugby World Cup – a 22 per cent increase on the prematch poll.
Alun Wyn Jones smiled a smile that fell in to the wry category, one that suggested he reckoned the 72 per cent were losing the run of themselves considering the status of the team that had just been obliterated.
And every World Cup panel needs an Alun Wyn Jones to keep the home support grounded, an outsider who will bring a little perspective and occasionally burst their hosts’ bubble of buoyancy.
There was, for example, no one to provide such a service on ITV come Saturday evening when Clive Woodward, Jonny Wilkinson and Lawrence Dallaglio joined Mark Pougatch for England’s opener against Argentina, the only South American to feature in their build-up Maradona and his Hand of God goal.
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“I know I’m English, but,” said Lawrence at half-time when he began disputing Tom Curry’s red card, so that was no good. What was better was the fact that ITV finally found seats for their panel, until then the three of them standing at lecterns making it look for all the world like a presidential debate.
Over on RTÉ, they have a very comfy couch for their pundits, although on Friday evening when Jacqui Hurley stood in front of their giant screen showing all the World Cup pools, it had the look of the Eurovision Song Contest. And you hoped this wasn’t an omen – Ireland’s World Cup experiences have been akin to our recent Eurovision record: setting off with hope in our hearts, coming home with our tail between our legs.
That was the location of Emmanuel Macron’s tail too after he was unmercifully booed by the crowd in the Stade de France during a quirky opening ceremony that began, naturally, with a man playing rugby with a baguette before having some aggro with a fella dressed as a cockerel.
(Before you scoff, remember that Irish TV is currently featuring ads showing a shop worker lobbing a melon at Johnny Sexton and Paul O’Connell teaching a carrot in a scrum cap how to play the game, the ball represented by a grape which James Ryan threatens to eat).
“There is a story in this,” Hugh Cahill reassured us when attempting to guide us through the ceremony. “I’m struggling to follow it,” said Bernard Jackman, speaking for us all. Moments later: “I don’t think even they know what the story is,” said Hugh, although he was, overall, impressed. “Yeah, it was good,” said Bernard, “and most importantly: short.”
And then a choir of small people managed to make La Marseillaise sound as rousing as Ireland’s Call, which resulted in the deflated French players conceding a try after 92 seconds. But they found their va-va-voom and proceeded to humble the All Blacks, no doubt resulting in a French poll where 110 per cent of the respondents reckoned the hosts would win the World Cup.
Ireland’s opening challenge was, admittedly, less daunting, Matt Williams telling Virgin’s viewers that this was the biggest game in Romanian rugby history, one their players “will tell their grandchildren about”.
After that 82-8 defeat, you’d guess they’ll tell their grandchildren that they were in Bucharest rather than Bordeaux at the time, and will attempt to rustle up an alibi to prove it.
“The perfect day,” Rob Kearney concluded, reserving special praise for the returning Sexton, the latter’s day tremendous until he met the post-match interviewer.
“You have got another record today – Ireland’s oldest player! You’re in the land of fine wine that ages well!”
“Eh,” said Johnny, not quite sure how to respond to being told he’s ancient. “Age is just a number,” he said, possibly tempted to lob a melon at yer man.
Back on RTÉ, they were well chuffed with Ireland’s start, Simon Zebo somehow resisting the temptation to liken it to the relentless innovation, raw perseverance and resilience that is echoed in the corridors of our start-ups for fear Jamie Heaslip would spear-tackle him off the RTÉ couch.
Up and running, then. Incidentally, 12 per cent opted for ‘maybe’ in that post-Romania ‘can Ireland win the World Cup?’ poll. Let’s be more positive: definitely maybe.
