TV VIEW:ON REFLECTION, that gag doing the rounds last week wasn't funny at all: "Liverpool have just announced their side to face Chelsea for this weekend's vital Premier League clash: 1 Ken Dodd 2 Cilla Black 3 Bob Carolgees 4 Michael Shields 5 Jimmy Corkhill 6 Derek Hatton 7 Mimi Maguire 8 Holly Johnson 9 Sinbad the Window Cleaner 10 Spit the Dog and, of course, 11 Lucas."
As it proved, that line-up – less Lucas – would probably have given Chelsea more of a run for their money at Anfield yesterday than Rafa Benitez’s Diddy Men.
Cilla raiding down the right, for example, would surely have given Ashley Cole the odd surprise surprise, while the mere presence of Sinbad and Spit up front, you’d have to asssume, would at least have disturbed John Terry’s 90 minute nail-filing session.
Richard Keys had promised us squeaky bum time as he introduced us to yet another Most Enormous Day Of The Season on Sky Sports, but the bottom fell out of the squeak when Steven Gerrard’s slide-rule pass set Didier Drogba up for the first goal.
“Buttocks”, might have been the gist of what Richard muttered to himself at that moment, the prospect of Sky being left with nothing to play for next weekend now a very real and harrowing one. Title decided? Relegation sorted. “D-Day: Can Blackburn Do Enough To Finish Above Stoke And Sunderland To Clinch 11th Place?” is not the class of intro that leaves Richard giddy.
(True, true, Manchester City and Spurs are battling it out for fourth place. And that’s very exciting. For Manchester City and Spurs.)
“What will the conspiracy theorists make of Gerrard’s backpass,” Richard, in a chin-scratching kind of way, asked Jamie Redknapp come half-time. Could Stevie G have been part of a heinous plot to deny Manchester United their 19th title? ”Na,” said Jamie, dismissing the notion, “it was just a catastrophic error.” “Hmm,” said Richard, his chin in shreds from the scratches.
The truth, of course, is that there was no conspiracy at all, Liverpool are just rubbish. Or as Jamie declared, “I don’t think this team is good enough,” a statement as revelationary as, say, “that was a disappointing weekend for Irish rugby”.
“You need good players to contend against the likes of Chelsea and Manchester United,” he said, to which a fed-up Richard came mad close to replying: “Go ‘way!”
On to Sunderland we went. “Don’t tell me that it’s over, it’s only just begun,” was Sky’s tune for Part II of the Most Enormous Day Of The Season, a tune you’d have to suppose they chose before the Diddy Men lay back and had their tummies tickled at Anfield.
Gerrard’s backpass? “It happens,” said Alex Ferguson when he had a word with Jeff Shreeves, the manager seeming to be quite serene about it all until the mere mention of Stevie had his new spectacles fogging up. “Anfield usually isn’t an easy place to go to,” he quietly steamed, evidently upset that Rafa hadn’t opted for Holly Johnson over Alberto “who are ya?” Aquilani in midfield.
After all, when two tribes go to war, a point is all that you can score, and a Chelsea draw would have kept United afloat.
Never mind, there was a game to be won, Nani’s goal doing the job. “It had a bit of swazz on it,” said Jamie of Ronaldo-lite’s effort, prompting Richard to ask him to define “swazz”. Jamie shrugged, he couldn’t do it, but if he’d have cast an eye on his expert companion, Dwight Yorke, he’d have been sorted: swagger, pizzazz, blend: swazz.
Yorkie, meanwhile, indicated that United’s swazz came in the form of the old guard, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville, all of whom, he reminded us, had recently signed new contracts and, so, would still be around next season.
“They are the centrefold of Manchester United football club,” he said, leaving Richard vowing to avoid the top shelf in the coming weeks, lest his magazine of choice would feature Neville’s modesty being safeguarded by a mere fig leaf.
