"If my head was a ball it would have flown into the top corner of the goal."

- West Ham's Eyal Berkovic, in his Israeli newspaper column, describes the moment team mate John Hartson volleyed his head in training.

"You can't condemn some-fink like that."

- Late Late Show guest Vinnie Jones gives his opinion on the Hartson incident. He may have meant "condone", but, with Vinnie, you can't be sure.

"I think Berkovic has been cowardly and despicable in the way he has acted."

- Football agent Jonathan Barnett slams Berkovic for not taking his kick in the head like a man. (Oh - Barnett is Hartson's agent, by the way).

"At Wimbledon anyone who did that would have been a goner - if they had been stupid enough to show their face again at the club."

- The lovely John Fashanu (the man who fractured Gary Mabbutt's eye socket with his elbow) gives his verdict on the Hartson affair. (Please note he's actually talking about Berkovic here, and not Hartson. Seems Big Fash objected to the Israeli "bleating to the media about what happened and further inflaming an already volatile situation.")

"Yeah, Johnny Hartson's out of order, but we've all been done for drunk 'n' disorderly, ain't we? We've all done somefink wrong on our lives, so he's not the only one."

- West Ham fan, interviewed on Sky News last week (in the pub next door to Upton Park . . . he'd been there a while).

"I've plenty of bows to my string."

- Multi-talented Vinnie Jones (actor, farmer, phrase-twister, etc) explains why he isn't applying for the QPR manager's job.

"There's no pressure on me after this game."

- Glenn Hoddle cracks a joke after England's 0-0 defeat by Bulgaria on Saturday. (He was joking, wasn't he?)

"Gazza has got a problem - it's been building up for quite a few years."

- Paul Gascoigne's on-the-ball manager Bryan Robson "reveals" what the rest of us knew 10 years ago.

"There was only one question being asked by the Kop faithful - was the ball over the line? It was a crushing blow for defender Babb - a man who would be lost without his tackle."

- The Sun sensitively and delicately reports on Phil Babb's excruciating collision with a goal post in last weekend's game against Chelsea at Anfield.

"Fanks Gay - it's bin emotional."

- Vinnie Jones, at the end of his Late Late Show interview on Saturday (in which he revealed that his Jack Russell once saved him from suicide).