Roaching for the stars: Spat of the week? Dmitri Piterman (owner of Spanish club Alaves) v Real Madrid's Brazilians, Ronaldo, Robinho and Roberto Carlos. Piterman was a touch narked by the trio's "cockroach" celebration of a Real goal in their game against Alaves, describing them as "clowns". "I want to put them in their place because it seemed to me like a circus and a Brazilian jungle," he said. "What they did was act like clowns in a circus."

The three Rs responded by telling Piterman to lighten up, advice he didn't quite, eh, take on board: "Their infantile arguments correspond to their lack of mental development. I have read that now they want to make other gestures to celebrate their goals, like the magpie one. Their arguments are limited and they're saying that I do not have a sense of humour. But they are showing a lack of education and mental development and for that reason I suppose their relationships do not last longer than one or two weeks, because they cannot hold on to them."

Cripes, you'd hate to get Piterman in a bad mood.

Quotes of the week

"The defender was so laid back there he was almost vertical."

- Frank Stapleton, as heard on TV3 by a Private Eye reader. Do we have our quote of the year? Yup . . .

"Aston Villa seem to beat the teams halfway down but struggle against the teams halfway up."

. . . Although this effort from Mark Lawrenson might just run Frank close.

"The good news for us is that we've had someone biting us on the bottom and we have reacted to it."

- West Ham manager Alan Pardew reflecting on Saturday's comeback against Sunderland. Some Premiership managers use 4-5-1, Mick McCarthy evidently uses an entirely different set of tactics.

"It is not the right approach to win a championship to sit behind the tree and spit at the other teams hoping they lose points."

- Manchester United assistant manager Carlos Queiroz. No wonder the United players look confused this weather.

"Football is a game in which imagination and, on many occasions, stupidity has no limits."

- Carlos again, paying tribute to United fans' tactical knowledge.

"Before the Benfica game I thought Manchester United fans were the best in the world, now I am sure of it."

- Carlos attempts to kiss and make up with United fans, but do you think he was trying a little too hard?

Ronaldo's gardening leave

Our favourite Sunday tabloid yarn appeared in the People yesterday. Six months ago, Cristiano Ronaldo lost control of his Porsche in Cheshire and crashed into the garden of a house, "smashing trees and hedges and gouging huge chunks out of the lawn".

The owners, naturally enough, expected young Ronaldo to part with a few quid to fix the damage but - are you sitting comfortably? - instead he asked "Manchester United's club gardener to go and sort out the mess".

He tried but, according to the People: "The grass still looks like a patchwork quilt." Plonking a corner flag in the middle of the rhododendrons probably didn't help.

More quotes of the week

"It is the world against Chelsea. The Fulham Road, the King's Road and Setubal - my place in Portugal, which is very small, only 50,000 people - are the only ones with us."

- Jose Mourinho, underestimating the size of the membership of ABC (Anyone But Chelsea).

"We've got them sussed. If I was a betting man I'd tip us and Real Betis to go through - and not Chelsea."

- Liverpool's Fernando Morientes.

"Maybe he (Morientes) thinks Real Betis would be a good club to go to when Liverpool don't want him any more and he goes back to Spain."

- Now, now Jose.

"After the game my secretary Sheila, who was sitting right in line in the main stand, said to me that the ball had crossed the line. She is a very honest person and that was good enough for me."

- While Chelsea still argue that Luis Garcia's effort didn't cross the line in last year's Champions League game at Anfield, Rafa Benitez assures us it did. Because Sheila told him.

Al Fayed's short on details

Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed can't be too pleased with his club's start to the season but, judging by revelations in a new book by publicist Max Clifford, it's unlikely he's equipped to give manager Chris Coleman much useful advice to solve the problems.

"He didn't know anything about the game, although he pretended he did," wrote Clifford. "He insisted he had supported Fulham for years and used to stand on the terraces and watch players he called 'Jimmy' Haynes and Bobby 'Robinson'. He meant Johnny Haynes and Bobby Robson. In my opinion, that is not something a genuine football supporter would get wrong."

Best of all, Clifford once asked Al Fayed if he played football as a boy.

"He replied, 'Of course'. I then asked what position he played. He said, 'Captain' - he didn't even know the positions on a football pitch."

Even more quotes of the week

"If we carry on in this rhythm we will be champions in January - which will give us a chance to concentrate on the Champions League."

- William Gallas proving that humility knows no bounds at Stamford Bridge.

"I can see weaknesses in Chelsea's team. Don't worry if you can't see them yet. You will see them soon."

- Arsene Wenger, on his way to having his eyes tested.

"Vision coaches are not for me. They may do some good for those with dodgy minces (ie, eyes), but they are not for me."

- Southampton's Harry Redknapp on Clive Woodward's recommendation that the club appoint a vision coach. This relationship just isn't going to work, is it?

"It wasn't a monkey on our back, it was more like Planet of the Apes."

- Mick McCarthy on Sunderland's Premiership losing streak that ended against Middlesbrough.

"Apparently he was eating a lasagne and somehow pulled a hamstring - it has to be a world first."

- Coventry manager Micky Adams on defender Andrew Whing's injury. Frankly, we were afraid to look up the details.