TV VIEW:"NO MORE ifs, buts or maybes," promised Richard Keys, just before Andy Gray analysed the task ahead for Chelsea.
“If they’re not at it, if they’re not right, if this is an off day, there isn’t next week to make it better.”
No buts or maybes, then, but contrary to Richard’s declaration there was still a whole bunch of ifs. As Kipling would have put it if he’d been on the Sky Sports panel yesterday: If Wigan can keep their heads when all about them are losing theirs, If they can just keep it tight for, say, the opening 94-ish minutes, If Terry, Lampard and Drogba can have a ’mare, and if N’Zogbia and Rodallega can have a blinder, Then it’ll be a dismal disaster for Chelsea, and a total triumph for United.
But that’s a lotta lotta ifs.
While reluctant to put a dampener on the day that was in it, Jamie Redknapp, unconvinced by the if fest, felt compelled to remind us that on a previous visit to London this season Wigan had lost 9-1 to Spurs.
Richard, no more than ourselves, felt Jamie was being excessively negative, a bit of a party pooper, if you like. As if Wigan would lose by eight goals again on this most momentous of occasions, with the eyes of the entire planet watching them. And the Premier League being the world’s most competitive, most noble, most honest league, and all that. Jamie? Catch yerself on.
“It’s a long shot, but he won’t give up without a fight,” Richard assured us. We thought, to be honest, he was referring to Gordon Brown, but it was the other Braveheart he had in mind, Old Trafford’s own Willy Wallace, Alex Ferguson.
Wallace, you might recall, was an heroic figure, but the reward for his valour was to be stripped naked, dragged through London by a horse, strangled, disembowelled, beheaded and chopped in to four pieces before having his head marinaded in tar and displayed on London Bridge.
Maybe the Glazer family are even harder taskmasters than we suspected because when Ferguson spoke to Sky’s Guy Harvard before kick-off he had the look of a man who anticipated much the same fate as Willy if United didn’t prevail by close of business.
Line-ups time. Wigan had their third-choice goalkeeper on duty, a man who was released by Manchester United 20 years ago before moving from Oldham to Macclesfield to Bury to Lincoln to Altrincham to Lincoln to Darlington to Notts County to Oldham to Gillingham to Brentford to Sunderland to Rotherham to Chesterfield to Rotherham to Wigan to Ipswich to Burnley to Wigan. Only that volcano in Iceland has suffered less stability. Meanwhile at Old Trafford, Rio Ferdinand was playing. Nice of him.
Kick-off time. Impressive start by Wigan, frustrating Chelsea for a whole six minutes. But wait, United just scored. Title race back on! For 60 seconds. Penalty Chelsea, Wigan defender granted first use of the showers. Who’d take the penalty.
Lampard. 2-0. Drogba? Monster huff. Stamford Bridge pitch littered with teddies tossed from his pram.
“This ain’t panto, this is real life,” said a vexed Jamie when Richard asked him to analyse Drogba’s tantrum. There was no title race to analyse any more, so the hissy fit filled the half-time gap. “Frank Lampard has taken every penalty this season and scored them all. Well, except for one.”
Glenn Hoddle, equally unimpressed, forecast that Drogba would be taken off at the break, so convinced was he that Carlo Ancelotti wouldn’t stand for such behaviour.
Second half. Drogba raring to go. 3-0. 4-0. 5-0. 6-0. 7-0. 8-0. The tension was unbearable, could Chelsea hold on? Eight Wigan goals in the last 10 seconds and the title would be United’s. Remember, it’s a funny old game, mad things can happen.
But the Chelsea defence performed magnificently, John Terry just about shading Ashley Cole, Branislav Ivanovic and Alex in their 90 minute game of Snap. It passed the time before they had to stir themselves to collect the Premier League trophy.
“We knew today was going to be tough,” Terry told Sky with a face as straight as the straightest arrow you’ve ever seen chucked by a bow.
Babies and confetti littered the Stamford Bridge pitch, concealing Didier’s teddies. Ray Wilkins was happy. “How much have you enjoyed it?” the Sky man asked him of his season as Carlo’s sidekick. “I’ve been like a pig in muck,” he said. The Sky man thanked him for not swearing. Ray said “no ****ing problem”. Actually, that’s a lie. The number of swear words known to Ray would be on a par with the number of times the Chelsea defence’s Snap game was disturbed yesterday. None at all.
No more ifs, buts or maybes. Chelsea prevailed. We should congratulate them. We will, but only if Wigan’s heads are marinaded in tar and displayed on London Bridge.
