Day four. The Inquest. Kevin Keegan@ITV.Des. "The game sort of went the way you thought it might, but the only thing is that, you know, they sort of scored the goals that we hoped we would score, you know?"

Des Lynam looked at me and I looked at Des Lynam and then we both rolled our eyeballs upwards until our pupils found themselves focussing on the sky. It was impossible, though, to translate Kev's post-match analysis into a language we could both understand.

I was a bit stumped, too, by Sol Campbell's post-Portugal-mortem. "I thought we gave them a bit too much respect - we were very cavalier, but we didn't kind of remember that they're a very good side as well," he told the BBC's Garth Crooks.

Too much respect and then no respect at all, all in the one game. He's a versatile lad, Sol. And then he added: "they kept probing and probing and got their two goals". No wonder he didn't look too downcast - he thought England had drawn 2-2 with Portugal. Don't anyone tell him the truth, Sol's a good lad so he deserves to go into the German game thinking England don't have nul points on the board. (Which they do - ssssh).

Back to Kev. "The good news is we know what we have to do now," he declared triumphantly to Des, tempting auld smoothy into taking a cyanide tablet live on air. "So, you lost 3-2 to Portugal, having led 2-0, on purpose so that you would know what you had to do against Germany?" Des didn't ask. . . but came damn close.

See, that's what I like about Kev Keeg: he looks at a completely empty glass of whiskey and says "weeeeell, I dunno - if you imagine that there glass as a mirage and draw on all your hallucinatory and delusionary powers it can almost seem. . . mmmm. . . fullish".

And fullish were the bottles of lager served to the customers at the Castle Square pub in Swansea the night before, according to Sky News.

The landlord of the Welsh pub had promised to hand out one free round of lager for every goal scored against England in Euro 2000, so cocky was he about the ability of Seaman, Adams, Campbell and the Neville lads to keep their sheets clean. Well, thanks to Figo, Pinto and Gomes he'll now be busking in the streets of Swansea in an attempt to pay his electricity bill. For his sake, let's hope Oliver Bierhoff is off form on Saturday.

Speaking of Welsh lads: John Toshack made his RTE debut yesterday (a darn impressive one too) and, unlike Chippy Brady and Eamo Dunphy, his legs weren't dangling in mid-air when he sat in that Network Two armchair. Big lad, Tosh. Pegs the length of Chile.

Spain v Norway. "I've had a fairly serious bet on Spain," Eamo confided in Tosh. Cue dancing in the streets of Oslo. Almost crushed in the stampede to the phone. Flip: the bookies' lines were jammed ("me life savings on the Norwegians, thanks very much" said the nations' punters, with a Hanse Cronje-like confidence in the outcome of a sporting contest). Full-time? "There we have it - Norway 1, Spain 0. . . a real shock," said Eamo, who is now depending on the RTE wardrobe department for his shirts.

Yugoslavia v Slovenia. Wouldn't you have to feel awful sorry for anyone who had the truly rotten misfortune to draw 200-1 outsiders Slovenia in a Euro 2000 office lottery? Aw, thanks for your sympathy - much appreciated. Rok Klancik, of the Slovenian Tourist Board - tell me your nation will give me a run for my money. Please? "We will maybe lose," he told the BBC's Hazel Irvine, "because. . . we are a skiing nation."

Gee, thanks Rok. Ah, but. . . some time later, scoreflash. . . Slovenia 3, Yugoslavia 0. Wey hey! Want a loan, Eamooooo? Err, full-time? Slovenia 3, Yugoslavia 3. Slovenia? The Eddie the Eagle of Euro 2000. Nice takeoff. . . but then it all goes horribly wrong. Crash, bang, thud in an earthwards direction. (Eh, any chance of a loan, Eamo?).