"It's unfair to stereotype footballers as all living in mock Tudor houses with a nice . . .," giggled posh footballer Graeme Le Saux, on ITV's The Truth About Footballers on Tuesday night. With a nice "WHAT", we wondered, as we chuckled along with Graeme at the thoughts of how these sado footie players furnish their tasteless homes.
"No I won't say it," he said, chortling.
Go on. Tell us. What tacky thing have you spotted on your visits to these tacky mock Tudor homes?
"An avocado suite in the bathroom," he revealed, before dissolving in to peels of laughter.
Ho, ho, titter, titter, snigger, snigger . . . OI!
Graeme Le Saux, may you score an own goal in the dying seconds of England's opening World Cup match against Tunisia, one that loses you the game and brings the wrath of the tabloids down on your chubby head. And when you're dropped by Glenn Hoddle, leaving you with plenty of free time on your hands, send us a letter explaining WHAT'S WRONG WITH AN AVOCADO SUITE IN THE BATHROOM. Hippopotamus face.
Le Saux's contribution apart, The Truth About Footballers proved to be an insightful, intelligent, informative and interesting study of footballers and their lives. And Saudi Arabia will win the World Cup. Beating Iran 36-35 in the final.
Lots of famous celebrities, very few of whom we'd ever heard of, were lined up to give their thoughts on the game. Robert Kilroy-Silk, we learnt, is a Liverpool fan, as if Roy Evans didn't have enough problems. Melvyn Bragg supports Arsenal and is (we can exclusively reveal) currently working on a tribute to the Gunners called the North Bank Show.
(Melvyn would have been chuffed to learn from the programme that Arsenal have signed a mega-talented seven-year-old by the name of LouisRae Jet Pele Beadle - in 10 year's time, when he's standing on the North Bank, he can sing "there's only one Louis-Rae Jet Pele Beadle" without fear of contradiction).
Then there was Patrick Kielty, who supports Manchester United but has a problem with women football supporters and Tellytubby nuclear physicists.
"Girls now realise that football players have nice bums," said the man who used to be a comedian but is now touting for a job with himself magazine. "I know girls who go to games and when you ask them who they support they say (cue girlie/Tellytubby voice) `well, I don't really support any team but I like so-and-so and I like so-and-so'," he said, hardly able to remain seated in his chair so impressed was he by his wit.
"Trying to explain offside to these women is like trying to explain nuclear physics to the Tellytubbies, it ain't never gonna happen," he said.
("Nuclear physics? You mean all that business with atomic nuclei and their reactions? Listen, I'd explain it to you but I'm busy working on the Super-Intense Radioactive Ion project - y'know, the one where we use the high energy proton accelerator Isis to bombard a thick target of heavy tantalum nuclei so that we . . . ah, you wouldn't understand Patrick. In fact I'd have as much chance of explaining it to you as you'd have explaining the offside rule to Teddy Sheringham. Yours, Tinkywinky.").
What Tinkywinky, Laa Laa and the lads would have made of David Ginola's contribution to the "Are footballers allowed have sex before games" debate, God only knows. "What a silly world . . . now we are frustrating to making love with someone the day before the game . . . silly world . . . cynical, cynical world," he said. There's only one David Ginola, one can safely say.
"It's never been a problem with me," said Leeds manager George Graham on the same subject. "The night before a match I trust my players," he insisted. (It's just during games that he loses faith in them).
"I recommend it to make love," said Chelsea's Frank Leboeuf. "I did it once the morning before a game . . . I don't remember playing so badly, no, it was good. I scored two goals - one in the morning . . . and one in the afternoon." Ha, ha, ha, chuckles all round. By the end of the programme we knew the truth about footballers - they're great at playing football and they have exquisite taste in bathroom suites, but that's about it.
And if they're really good they'll get to play in the World Cup in France this summer. But if they're from the Cameroon they'll hardly have a supporter at any of their games.
Why? Well, thanks to the excellent Dispatches on Channel Four last Thursday, which investigated the thriving black market in World Cup ticket sales, we learnt that a Cameroonian official has sold most of the country's ticket allocation to touts.
So if/when a Cameroonian scores a goal in France his joyous moment will be greeted by a deafening silence in the ground . . . except for the whoops of the Cameroonian official still celebrating his new found wealth, generated by the 15 per cent mark up on each ticket he sold to his favourite tout.
The World Cup organisers don't seem too concerned about the ticket sales fiasco - certainly not the French official interviewed by TnaG's Sportiris last Thursday ("the English weren't any fairer in Euro 96," he offered, helpfully) - but then they won't be the people in the frontline trying to deal with unsegregated crowds at the game. (e.g. A member of the French National Front finds himself seated beside Nelson Mandela for France's opening match against South Africa, or a Combat 18 chap is perched beside the Tunisian Minister for Racial Equality at England's first game).
The security chief at Lens, where England play Colombia on June 26th, was determined to look on the bright side of life. "The fact that a ticket passes from one person to another is a pity - but if it passes from a rough character into the hands of a real gentleman that would be a good thing." Mmm. "What if it passes from a `real gentleman' to a `rough character', reporter Callum Macrae didn't have the heart to ask. Instead he went off to powder his nose in Lens' chic avocado bathroom suite. They mightn't be the best at allocating tickets but at least the French have style, Graeme Le Saux.
